Fathering Leadership

Receiving Dignity From Your Heavenly Father

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Receiving Dignity From Your Heavenly Father

Sonship-Themed Movies

Many movies actually display a sonship theme. There’s usually a part where the hero has reached rock bottom and he is ready to do anything to fight his way out of the pit. I love this! The mentor emerges but will not immediately agree to help. He tests him first. How badly does he want help? Will he really push past the pain? Will he really be teachable enough to do anything instructed? The mentor tests to see if the person will choose to move out of a victim mentality.

God is Not Co-dependent

In Exodus 15 God tells the Israelites that He will continually keep them cleansed from the diseases of Egypt if they will heed His voice and do what is right. Then, God intervenes right in front of them and cleanses the waters of Marah, demonstrating what He will do on their behalf.

Receiving Dignity From Your Heavenly Father

God is demonstrating how He will be a coach, a mentor to them, to help them move from an Egyptian slave mentality, into becoming an army that can fight battles and take the Promised Land. He will mentor, but only as they do their part.

Empowerment

So often we want the magic pill, the quick fix, the right guy with the right anointing to lay hands on us and cast out our problems. However, so frequently God is asking us to grow and mature, to partner with Him, to take responsibility for where we are at and work through it, not play the victim who’s waiting to be rescued.

This is hugely empowering! As He mentors us like this and we co-laborer with Him, we are no longer those victims needing to be set free. We are becoming sons in the Father’s house. Sons (and daughters) that know how to take responsibility, find available resources, and fight battles. Sons that have the resources and backing of our Father.

In sonship we become more than conquerers in Christ!

Personhood — Basic Sonship Definition

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The Concept of Personhood Helps with a Basic Sonship Definition. It explains what sonship identity is all about and gives you a path to emotional maturity.

The sonship definition I commonly like to use is a picture of the church coming to an understanding that our spiritual maturity cannot surpass our emotional maturity. An emotionally mature Christian boldly walks in sonship.

So what does a picture of emotional maturity look like? Sonship Definition
Understanding personhood, our God identity, our sonship, gives us a path to follow. Let’s look into this a bit.

The Free Dictionary defines personhood as “the state or condition of being a person, especially having those qualities that confer distinct individuality.”

Personhood is simply my identity as a child of God, made in His image. It results in feeling totally comfortable in my own skin. It means living in a sense of legitimacy and dignity. When parents truly represent the love of their heavenly Father as nurturing, when they create a safe emotional environment, and when boundaries are respected, a person grows and develops a strong sense of their God identity. It is God’s undeniable love and Jesus’ work on the cross that make identity work.

Growing up in this type of environment causes sonship to develop in the child’s heart. Feeling loved and respected, and being allowed to be who they were created to be makes listening, submitting, and following a father figure easier.

The problem is that all of us — when trying to be “fathers” — have control issues at some level. It may be overt or passive: using anger and manipulative words, or using withdrawal and relationship cut-offs respectively. Control, by definition, is demeaning towards another and does not respect boundaries.

But when someone feels free to think what they think, feel what they feel, and to make their own choices and face the consequences therein, they grow and mature. This is how God relates to man. He is the perfect father. However, when mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are crossed, shame is communicated and personhood is diminished.

True sonship occurs when spiritual growth happens and emotional maturity is produced. As we learn how much we are loved, even with all our blunders and mistakes, we grow and mature — our personhood develops. We become unique, individual beloved sons and daughters of God.

Sonship Growth Template

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Sonship Growth Template

When your giftings, experiences, and calling are all converging together, and you start moving forward on your own path, you truly begin to fulfill what you were created for. Some people attain this deep satisfaction of walking in the calling and destiny that God created them for, yet many other people feel they never attain it or even know what it is.

I have two core teaching series that deal with this:  Experiencing the Father’s Love and From Shame to Sonship.Sonship Growth Template

The teachings in Experiencing the Father’s Love help you connect with God’s love as being safe. This is a first step in walking out our calling. Learning that we are loved, even with all our mistakes and faults, sets the stage for us to be able to develop our giftings.  (see verses for the Biblical principle of Father’s love below)

There are those who feel they have disappointed God or worse, that He is angry with them. Knowing experientially the safety of God’s love empowers building a loving relationship with Him and others; without this we turn to counterfeit affections. When we feel safe enough to hold our hearts open:

  • We can then receive instruction and correction. (Biblical principle of meekness)
  • Marriage and relationship issues can be dialogued and resolved without resorting to attacks. (Biblical principle of speaking the truth in love, meekness)
  • Wonderful growth can occur — our giftings begin getting defined.

In the From Shame to Sonship teachings I show you how to build on this foundation of love. I unpack the steps of building relationship, how to live in community and accountability, and how to grow through the trials of life. (Biblical principle of God working all things for good and calling)

A good picSonship Growth Templateture of how this works is exemplified in a person experiencing a loss —passing through the stages of grief: denial, anger, acceptance, and reconstruction. Now let me expound on this a little. The loss may be of a loved one, but it can also be a broken childhood, the loss of a dream, a job, or even a painful divorce. These losses truly get us in touch with ways we haven’t felt secure in God’s love. As we work through the stages of denial and anger, we move from healing into acceptance and reconstruction where even more growth can occur. This growth is like blossoms in the springtime, giving us a new way forward after a cold winter. The lessons learned through our losses lead to the destiny God has for us. The cool rain in your life fills a well inside you that can then water the world.

These steps are the template for true sonship growth. Anyone who has genuinely been successful in reaching their calling and destiny has followed them. Identifying, cooperating, and working through these 4 steps will lead us to a future of hope and fulfillment, and we will then walk on the path and in the destiny we were created for.

 

Biblical Principle scriptures:
Father’s Love  —  Jn.5:22, Jn.3:17, Matt.23:37, Jer.31:3, Zeph.3:17…
Meekness   —     Matt.5:5, Gal.6:1, Ps.32:8, 9; Lu.18:17, Heb.12:5-8
Speaking the truth in love  —   Ja.1:19, Eph.4:15
Calling  —    Ps.84:6; 2 Pet.1:10, 11; Jer.1:5; 2 Tim.4:7

Sonship Identity and Autonomy

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Autonomy is your ability for self-government. This is often misunderstood in two ways:

  • We find ourselves in a works mentality, trying harder.
  • We find ourselves with victim thinking that God does it all and we sit and wait.

Sonship Identity and Autonomy are forever connected.

As I grow in my identity as a son of God (a lifetime pursuit) my ability to live out that identity in autonomy increases.

I’ve written before about Sonship in terms of feeling safe with fathers and opening our hearts to allow their influence in our lives so I want to build on that. Healthy sonship identity leads to increased capacity for autonomy. This is where maturity really happens.

Sonship Identity and Autonomy

Think of physical abuse for a moment, a slap across the face when you didn’t even realize you were saying something wrong. This treats a person like an object, diminishing sonship identity, because it does not respect their thoughts or feelings. It causes the person to experience feelings of powerlessness and to struggle with initiative and taking personal responsibility.

Romans 8:16 says, “For the Holy Spirit speaks to us and tells our spirit that we are children of God.” This is our identity, we are children of God. “For He planned in love, for us to be adopted as His own children…accepted in the beloved.” (Eph1:5, 6 Amp.)

Man rebelled. Adam chose the independence of knowing good and evil, the ability to choose for himself how he would live life. Even though God created Adam, the air he breathed, the water he drank, and the food he ate, God didn’t destroy him for his betrayal. God tried to talk with Adam but he didn’t take responsibility for his actions, instead he blame shifted — “That woman you gave me!” It’s also noteworthy that God didn’t act in co-dependence and rescue Adam from the consequences of his choices. This is good parenting that builds a healthy identity. It’s important to know Father God as One who respects free will and One who is also secure enough to allow us to learn from our wrong choices. This is well exemplified in the story of the prodigal. The father never closed his heart toward the rebellious son, nor did he run after him, allowing him to experience being hungry in a pig pen.

child growing up“Think about healthy childhood development. A wise parent will allow increasing autonomy, encouraging the child to make decisions and face the consequences. When we see a person who has never grown up they often blame shift and justify, not accepting responsibility for their choices. Such a person takes little or no initiative but is highly responsive to outside influences, blown this way and that according to the prevailing wind of other persons. This may be extreme, but everyone is challenged by this some.” Ted Ward

When we can see God’s heart toward us and receive His discipline — knowing it is for our actions and not an attack on our person — we mature. We start to comprehend how our wrong behavior hurts our relationship with God and others. This gives us a better understanding of reciprocity in the world which teaches us greater community, openness, humility, empathy, and core values. These values then become integrated in us producing greater autonomy, not because we have to or we’ll be rejected if we don’t, but rather because we have a healthy identity in God’s love, and value His love and desire to give it to others from a deep place inside of us.

The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory

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Understanding The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory opens some important concepts to us.

Many of us have understood grace and the Father’s love, yet we struggle to walk in this daily. We so often get stuck in our fears, worries, frustrations, and irritations. But shining light on God’s heart can help us get moving again. Seeing The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory gives this light. Picture this:

“Daddy!” the little boy says as he runs, smiling, to hug his father returning from work. Both father and son feel joy and connection as they embrace. This “connecting” is attachment, which is simply the capacity for healthy The Father's Love in Terms of Attachment Theoryemotional relationships.

The initial parent-child relationship develops our ability for attachment. The infant’s brain receives signals from the nurture of a loving mother – her holding, rocking, soft words, and smiles – and neural connections are made. In this way attachment grows. Attachment is the foundation of emotional health and maturity.

The Gospel
Adam’s fall was about independence and separation from God, the opposite of attachment. “I’ll get the knowledge of good and evil and then I can decide things on my own.” It would not be too much of a stretch to say that independence is at the root of all sin. Think of the younger and older brothers in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The younger self medicated, symbolizing, in a nut shell, the sins of the flesh. The older brother tried to strive, perform, and be good enough. There are the Pharisaical-type sins. In either case, both are in independence rather than loving relationship with God. Jealousy, gossip, competition, striving, addiction, most everything traces back to attachment pain.

Let’s Extrapolate
We have much more scientific understanding today of how the brain works in the area of relationship and what emotional health looks like. There can be many good neural connections for attachment or very few. If we combine this with the Biblical truth that we know, what do we get? A new light on the idea that God came to have relationship with us.

Attachment is at the crux of Christianity. God so loved that he gave. Jesus came to give us the ultimate gift of attachment, and then we are to give it away to the world. The more I connect daily with God’s love for me and walk that out in showing kindness to others, the more healthy I become and the more I express the heart of the Gospel. But the more I get stuck in negativity, gossip, speaking ill of others, and fears, the more I build wrong structures in the brain and will struggle with being emotionally unhealthy.

Core Personal Growth Concepts to Move Ahead in Your Life

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Initiative – Faith and Hope to Take Steps and Move Forward

What if you had the power to take initiative in any area of your life?

  • Think of how effective you could be in reaching your destiny and being an influence for the kingdom of God.
  • Think of how much you could get done, how many goals you could reach.

In many ways this is what it means to live in Sonship before God.

Personal Growth Concepts From a Different Viewpoint

Ted Ward in his book, Living Overseas, gives some powerful insights into how personal growth occurs. He uses some psychological concepts but these are really Biblical principles presented in a different language. Seeing things from another viewpoint can open up new understanding for us. Whether we live overseas or not, these principles explain why we do or do not experience personal growth.

In 1999 I was new on the mission field. I went to the Pollo Rey, a fast-food fried chicken place. The problem was, there was nothing fast about it. After I had placed my order I waited and waited. Others came, ordered, even received their food while I still waited! I finally blew up and started yelling for a manager in very broken Spanish. It wasn’t a pretty scene.

Faith Versus Legalism

Ward says that living in a third-world country forces us to face growing in our awareness, patience, and acceptance of people who are different. In these situations we get stretched into facing ways we struggle with being authoritarian (or Biblically speaking, legalistic). Social psychologists measure issues with authoritarianism (legalism) by:

  • A tendency toward black-and-white judgment; things are either right or wrong, no grace.
  • A tendency to be suspicious or negative about anyone or any idea that is different than what we know.
  • The insistence on systems of absolute obedience.

At Pollo Rey, the whole event really depicted, “Give me good service or my look of irritation will reveal my intolerance of your behavior.” This certainly is not an expression of Sonship – as a son of my Heavenly Father, my time is in His hands, He directs my steps and works all things for good. In Sonship I can rest in faith and hope regardless of what I face and treat others with love and kindness.

Locus of Control as a Root of Faith Versus Legalism

Locus of Control has to do with where we believe the power lies. In other words, what is causing us to do what we do. There is both Internal and External locus of control.

Internal locus of control is the values and standards we have internalized that guide us; things like acceptance, grace, self-control, and team work.

For example, consider childhood development. If a child is given some age-appropriate autonomy (self-government) he learns to make decisions and face the corresponding consequences. Then, as he matures, he becomes more self-directing. Internal control leads to personal responsibility. This is Hebrews 12:5-11 in a different language.

External control is those things we look to from other people. A victim mentality expresses external control – my life is controlled by others who are seen as the ones who really count. Whether I succeed or fail depends on them. So we think, why try? It doesn’t matter what I do (initiative issues): “No matter how hard I study, the teacher is just against me.”

The Children of Israel wandering in the wilderness are a great example of this external locus of control. They were constantly looking for someone to help them without taking any initiative themselves. External locus of control is fostered in abusive homes were the child grows up victimized and feeling powerless, however, we can all struggle with this at some level.

Personal Growth ConceptsA person who has “never grown up” always places blame and responsibility on others. So people can push their buttons and “control” them easily. In this state of wounding, a person takes little or no initiative and is tossed by every wind of those persons who are seen as important.

Personal Growth Concepts

Other cultures and difficult people at work or church can help clarify the differences of internal and external controls. We all have “external religious patterns” that we follow—what we feel displays a Christian, what constitutes morality–the “right” way to do things. Conflict, however, can allow these controls to be stripped away.

“The externals of religiousness tend to decline as internal control increases. If there is no substance underlying the externals, it could be said that such a person could lose his religion.”

“For people who value taking responsibility, being accountable and being self-directing, the stretching of capacity for internal control will be seen as an important plus. Thus the intercultural sojourn and it’s stretching of one’s internal control tendency and capability are eagerly to be desired.” – Ward, T. (1984). Living Overseas. NY: Free Press

Would you consider your own life today? Are you on the wonderful, life-time journey of faith moving from your head to your heart? Are you wanting those internal controls that God writes in our hearts instead of external forces pushing your buttons?

No one has fully arrived. Meditating on the concepts here will give you fresh ways to examine and improve your forward movement to live in the Promised Land as an overcomer!

 

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    How A Sonship Mentality Helps You Overcome Challenges

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    Where the Power Lies

    Everyone faces challenges in life. There are times we face them with faith and hope, knowing we can find the steps to overcome; and at other times we may feel overwhelmed, powerless, and without hope. This is the difference between a sonship mentality and a slave mentality. Discerning our mentality in the midst of the challenge is key to overcoming what we are facing.

    Slave mentality statements say:

    “I can’t ever make a good grade in that class, the teacher just doesn’t like me.”

    “That person makes me so mad.”

    “My boss makes me feel hopeless, he has no idea what it takes to do this job!”Sonship Mentality Overcoming

    What do all these statements have in common?

    These statements declare that the power lies with others and a lack of a sonship mentality overcoming the obstacles in our way.

    If other people have the power to:

    • “make me fail a class,”
    • “make me angry,” or even to
    • “make me feel hopeless,”

    then we have a slave mentality. This is when the power to determine my outcome lies with another person or circumstance rather than with me cooperating with God.

    These are common struggles that get dealt with in Prayer Ministry and most everyone struggles with these at some level. No one is able to always take initiative, to always take appropriate responsibility for their actions and their circumstances. We are all in the process of growing.

    The Power of Being Teachable for Overcoming Challenges

    This presents some crucial challenges to growth, especially to our ability to be teachable.

    When power lies with others, life has a sense of randomness. We are never entirely sure if we are “in” or “out” of favor. To defend against this, we may take on suspicion, prejudice (opinion formed without knowledge or examination of facts), even intolerance, legalism, and control issues. So since the power lies with others, life really is unknown and unpredictable.

    This has huge implications for being able to learn new things and grow. If we have no ability to take responsibility within ourselves, we are unable to learn new insights and learn from our life experiences.

    God wants to place tools in our hands as sons (and daughters) to possess our individual promised land. We really can shed these “Israel in the wilderness” mentalities and become sons who can fight successfully in the Promised Land.

    Here are some steps to help you move towards a sonship mentality:

    1. Take a moment right now and consider the challenges you are facing. Is it a job situation? Are you struggling with a family member and it seems it will never change? Maybe it is a health, diet, or debt issue.
    2. Now check your heart. Do you feel empowered or powerless?
    3. If you discern some feelings of powerlessness or that others must change in order for you to move forward, talk to God about it. Ask Him if there are some steps you haven’t yet seen to help you move forward. Maybe God will point you toward some research and new learning for your situation. Maybe He will refocus your faith. He may call you into some repentance. He may lead you to reach out to a particular person for help.

    Whatever He reveals, please don’t stay stuck. Take some action today and get moving towards your destiny. “If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.”

     

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      Sonship Inheritance

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      You Are Called to a Sonship Inheritancesonship inheritance

      You have a wonderful destiny in God to fulfill. You have been uniquely created for a purpose in life that will bring great fulfillment to you. 

      The problem?

      • It will always be beyond our abilities to reach.
      • We will have warfare, even giants to fight, in order to get there.
      • We will need to develop skills we don’t currently have.
      • And we will need a stronger faith.

      Sonship inheritance is a huge key to receiving these needed resources and to fulfilling our destiny.

      I define sonship as how we rightly relate to God and to the people He places in our lives.

      Unique and Colorful Packages

      I shared a message recently explaining my own challenge with sonship. My main obstacle with it was that I had no model from my earthly father. My sonship inheritance from him was actually negative life skills. The relationship I had with him was based on fear not love, so I had to learn the skills of sonship.

      One of the difficulties I walked through in learning these skills was that the spiritual fathers and mothers God had placed in my life through the years came in unique and colorful packages. Typically they:

      • Came in different packages than I expected.
      • Imparted to me different gifts than I expected.

      Yet these mentors always imparted just what I needed to take the next step. But I had to look past the packaging and appearances of them, stop judging what I thought they did or didn’t have for me, and simply receive what God wanted to give me through them.

      Pursuing Sonship

      There were certainly times I wanted to drop out of some of these relationships, but by God’s grace, I didn’t. Looking back I was always grateful I didn’t. If I would have, I would have missed some vitally important things God wanted to impart to me. Many things that were true keys to life.

      I want to encourage you today to keep pursuing sonship. Work through any hurt that may stand in the way or any judgements you have developed, because the Body of Christ and the world need your contribution! God has called you for a specific purpose and destiny, a Sonship Inheritance, that only you can fulfill!

      Sonship Teachableness – What’s Your Level of Learning?

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      Understanding how learning works can open up greater growth opportunities in your life.

      Sonship Teachableness

      Most of us can embrace being sonship teachableness in some areas, but we get resistant in other areas.

      Sonship Teachableness – A lifetime of learning by growing ever deeper in our ability to be teachable.
      All or Nothing Approaches

      Consider these comparisons:

      • Sonship TeachablenessShame versus healthy self-esteem.

      • Battling rejection versus feeling confident.

      • Fear of failure versus being a self-starter, reaching goals.

      • Presenting a façade versus being your authentic self.

       

      This on or off thinking hindered my teachableness. The first time I received prayer ministry is an example.

       

      My first prayer ministry experience. I remember the first time I was traveling to receive prayer ministry from someone. Not only was the person trained in prayer ministry, they ministered it to me from a Father’s Love approach. I was so excited.

      I distinctly remember thinking,

      “After this ministry session I’m going to be fixed. I will rocket forward into all God has for me.”

      Don’t get me wrong. Many good things came out of that prayer ministry experience. However, it was the barest beginning of the healing and growth God had for me. I had to understand this to keep my heart open to further learning.

      I have often had a mindset of absolutes.

      • I either have shame or I’ve conquered it.

      • I battle a fear of failure, or I walk in love that casts out my fears.

      This has led me to feelings of discouragement at times when I find myself battling, again, something I thought I was free of.

       

      Healthy Lifetime Growth

      Let’s consider continued growth. Here’s an example from my life:

      I experienced a huge learning curve in public speaking — over time.

      I had early experiences where audiences were greatly blessed by what I shared.

      I learned to not get prideful, to not express a façade that I’m a wonderful speaker. Also to stop comparing myself with other speakers, or name dropping that so-and-so has the same speaking style as me.

      I had later experiences where it seemed I totally bombed at speaking.

      I learned a deeper level of not beating myself up.

      I then embraced a long season of studying effective principles for public speaking, including attending Toastmasters for a couple of years. This took greater meekness (teachability).

      And the key to all of this is I had to choose to embrace sonship teachableness in deeper ways to embrace these things.

       

      A Learning Checkup

      Can you identify ways you can grow in sonship teachableness?

      Here are a few suggestions:

      • Studying principles of marriage.

      • Developing better people skills on your job.

      • Learning a new hobby – surfing, dancing, kiteboarding.

      • Learning to eat more healthy.

       

      Identity Growth

      Do you get defensive toward the idea that you may have things to learn in certain areas? As you consider that defensiveness, you have the opportunity to grow deeper in your identity as a loved child of God. And as you work through learning new skills, you learn to walk out this deeper identity.

      God has called all of His children to be overcomers. In my case, there was a lot more to overcoming than I realized!

      Will you embrace the path to high victory today?

       

      Resources for Growth in Teachability

       

      Related Posts
        • Fathers Love
        • Sonship
        • Fathering Leadership

         

        How Effective Leaders Create Security

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        Leaders Create security in environment to facilitate growth and productivity

        When people live under Fathering Leadership, they know they are loved and valued, they feel safe from criticism and do not fear making a mistake, they grow through active problem solving and are highly productive in their pursuits.

        Leaders Create Security

        Whether your pursuits are completing your education, losing weight, an athletic goal or a career pursuit, you need the right environment to see growth.

        Fathering Leadership Characteristics

        Fathering Leaders create security to raise healthy kids and mentor overcoming disciples. Let’s consider these two verses on this subject:

        Eph.5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

        1 Pet.3:7 – You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

        Consider a husband who is kind. He brings his wife little gifts, helps her with things important to her, makes her laugh. Toward her faults and the little ways she does things different than he would, he lives with her in an understanding way, laying his life down for her as Christ loved the church, covering her with love.

        A Warm Environment of Growth

        The husband can bring warm sunshine, good soil, and refreshing rain into his home. The right conditions for a plant to grow strong, beautiful and fruitful.

        When disagreements arise and a husband talks respectfully with his wife and shows her honor, he creates a safe environment for his entire family.

        • Nobody fears making mistakes or being criticised.

        • Fear of failure does not predominate.

        • People talk through their problems and overcome.

        • People keep trying new skills until they learn them.

        • Nobody is “dropping out” on their pursuits in life.

        These same principles apply to any leader in any organization.

        Benefits for these Fathering Leaders

        “Your prayers will not be hindered.” (1 Pet.3:7) God is saying a lot here.

        • You get movement in life as a leader.

        • You foster healthy relationships all around you. And what’s more,

        • You move ahead in your own calling and prayer pursuits.

        I believe with all my heart this is the call on the church today. She has had many teachers but not many fathers. If this post strikes a chord with you, check out our new book, The Sonship Empowered Life. It’s full of stories, examples, and keys to grow in your Christian walk.

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