Shame is the Root of Control Issues
All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.
This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.
Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors
The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.
Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any abuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.
A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?
Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.
Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.
Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior
All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is driven and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.
Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.
Other steps you can take: