Fathering Leadership

Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

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Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

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How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

I recently attended a meeting of professionals who were well-educated, had good jobs and good families. A person came in and inconsiderately interrupted the meeting. No one said anything to this person but the majority of those in the meeting gave fleeting glances of disgust or disapproval. This is an example of shame in action. Understanding shame interactions, how to recognize them and how to resolve daily shame interactions is an important tool to use in your Christian devotions to build Christian maturity.

Resolve Daily Shame InteractionsIn years past I had not realized how common shame is. I had heard statements like, “Guilt says you have done something bad, shame says that you are bad;” and “Shame only grows in the dark.” I had thought shame only occurs in someone who has really been exploited or victimized in some way. I certainly didn’t see how it applied in my life and definitely not in any regular kind of way.

The first key steps to overcoming shaming interactions are identification and recognition.

Why is this important?
When I judge another human being I am effectively saying that I am better than they are, that I would never fail in the type of way they did. This serves to put a wall up around my heart, a barrier between that person and myself. Judgement causes blockage.

One time I was on the subway in Seoul where I saw a Muslim man with his wife who was covered in a burqa. Previously I had judged that if foreign women have to wear the appropriate clothing in Muslim nations, then Muslim women should adjust in non-Muslim nations. As I saw this couple I thought to myself, “Dude, men are not after your wife. You don’t have to keep her covered like that.” Immediately I realized – that was a judgmental thought! It put a barrier up in my heart between he and I and blocked the flow of love and compassion and any hope of sharing the Gospel with this man.

Our FoundationResolve Daily Shame Interactions
1 John 4:18-21 says we can talk a good game, but if we have a wall up toward a brother — even a “pre-Christian” — we have one up toward God as well. When I block myself from love, it opens the door to many difficulties such as less desire or discipline to pray and more desire to escape into television or food.

The Christian life is designed so that it only functions well on the foundation of a heart open to love. Without this, I can go through the motions of prayer or Christian service, but there’s no life in it. Keeping my heart “on-line” to love is a crucial skill.

Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity

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Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity as a Child of God

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. And with these expected misunderstanding there are basically two ways we respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability. Understanding these help you work out your sonship identity and start standing in dignity as a child of God.

Challenges Happen
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. Defeatedly he comes home wired, tense, and longing for the refuge of his comfy chair and TV. Just as Ron is about to sit down his wife immediately blasts him with, “Honey,the car won’t start,” and “By the way, your good-for-nothing son is failing math.” That does it. Ron instantly loses it; he raises his voice in a bitterly sarcastic way with his wife and becomes down right caustic with his son. Angrily he stomps to his son’s room and uninvitingly opens the door. “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more. Mom says your failing math.”


sonship identity and standing in dignity Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system like this example, individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There’s a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These types of individuals have lived with the excruciating pain of shame instead of profound dignity, so they spend their time protecting themselves from all this by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to finite judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that even the littlest mistakes such as forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, etc., can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees in the Bible were this same type of folk. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their harsh censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead, in their minds, someone must always be to blame. They think subconsciously, “I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you!” So when a son is failing math, the boy doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, he needs to suffer for his insolence!

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and as a person, worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in seemingly innocent statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” Or it could be as crushing as a backhand across the face.sonship identity and standing in dignity

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes; none of us are perfect. The natural provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. In other words, if I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make acceptable repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place. We begin to live as a true son or daughter of the King — our sonship identity.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play; we are all created in His image, thus worthy of value. This has a huge affect in our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. If we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord and understand our sonship identity, we need to check our hearts for any shaming we may be doing and be willing to take responsibility for our own faults and mistakes. When we know we are loved unconditionally, no matter what, we will stand in the dignity as a child of God.

Personhood — Basic Sonship Definition

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The Concept of Personhood Helps with a Basic Sonship Definition. It explains what sonship identity is all about and gives you a path to emotional maturity.

The sonship definition I commonly like to use is a picture of the church coming to an understanding that our spiritual maturity cannot surpass our emotional maturity. An emotionally mature Christian boldly walks in sonship.

So what does a picture of emotional maturity look like? Sonship Definition
Understanding personhood, our God identity, our sonship, gives us a path to follow. Let’s look into this a bit.

The Free Dictionary defines personhood as “the state or condition of being a person, especially having those qualities that confer distinct individuality.”

Personhood is simply my identity as a child of God, made in His image. It results in feeling totally comfortable in my own skin. It means living in a sense of legitimacy and dignity. When parents truly represent the love of their heavenly Father as nurturing, when they create a safe emotional environment, and when boundaries are respected, a person grows and develops a strong sense of their God identity. It is God’s undeniable love and Jesus’ work on the cross that make identity work.

Growing up in this type of environment causes sonship to develop in the child’s heart. Feeling loved and respected, and being allowed to be who they were created to be makes listening, submitting, and following a father figure easier.

The problem is that all of us — when trying to be “fathers” — have control issues at some level. It may be overt or passive: using anger and manipulative words, or using withdrawal and relationship cut-offs respectively. Control, by definition, is demeaning towards another and does not respect boundaries.

But when someone feels free to think what they think, feel what they feel, and to make their own choices and face the consequences therein, they grow and mature. This is how God relates to man. He is the perfect father. However, when mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are crossed, shame is communicated and personhood is diminished.

True sonship occurs when spiritual growth happens and emotional maturity is produced. As we learn how much we are loved, even with all our blunders and mistakes, we grow and mature — our personhood develops. We become unique, individual beloved sons and daughters of God.

Sonship Growth Template

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Sonship Growth Template

When your giftings, experiences, and calling are all converging together, and you start moving forward on your own path, you truly begin to fulfill what you were created for. Some people attain this deep satisfaction of walking in the calling and destiny that God created them for, yet many other people feel they never attain it or even know what it is.

I have two core teaching series that deal with this:  Experiencing the Father’s Love and From Shame to Sonship.Sonship Growth Template

The teachings in Experiencing the Father’s Love help you connect with God’s love as being safe. This is a first step in walking out our calling. Learning that we are loved, even with all our mistakes and faults, sets the stage for us to be able to develop our giftings.  (see verses for the Biblical principle of Father’s love below)

There are those who feel they have disappointed God or worse, that He is angry with them. Knowing experientially the safety of God’s love empowers building a loving relationship with Him and others; without this we turn to counterfeit affections. When we feel safe enough to hold our hearts open:

  • We can then receive instruction and correction. (Biblical principle of meekness)
  • Marriage and relationship issues can be dialogued and resolved without resorting to attacks. (Biblical principle of speaking the truth in love, meekness)
  • Wonderful growth can occur — our giftings begin getting defined.

In the From Shame to Sonship teachings I show you how to build on this foundation of love. I unpack the steps of building relationship, how to live in community and accountability, and how to grow through the trials of life. (Biblical principle of God working all things for good and calling)

A good picSonship Growth Templateture of how this works is exemplified in a person experiencing a loss —passing through the stages of grief: denial, anger, acceptance, and reconstruction. Now let me expound on this a little. The loss may be of a loved one, but it can also be a broken childhood, the loss of a dream, a job, or even a painful divorce. These losses truly get us in touch with ways we haven’t felt secure in God’s love. As we work through the stages of denial and anger, we move from healing into acceptance and reconstruction where even more growth can occur. This growth is like blossoms in the springtime, giving us a new way forward after a cold winter. The lessons learned through our losses lead to the destiny God has for us. The cool rain in your life fills a well inside you that can then water the world.

These steps are the template for true sonship growth. Anyone who has genuinely been successful in reaching their calling and destiny has followed them. Identifying, cooperating, and working through these 4 steps will lead us to a future of hope and fulfillment, and we will then walk on the path and in the destiny we were created for.

 

Biblical Principle scriptures:
Father’s Love  —  Jn.5:22, Jn.3:17, Matt.23:37, Jer.31:3, Zeph.3:17…
Meekness   —     Matt.5:5, Gal.6:1, Ps.32:8, 9; Lu.18:17, Heb.12:5-8
Speaking the truth in love  —   Ja.1:19, Eph.4:15
Calling  —    Ps.84:6; 2 Pet.1:10, 11; Jer.1:5; 2 Tim.4:7

Fathers Love Transparency Secret for Freedom and Rest

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Fathers Love Transparency Secret Brings easy freedom over darkness

We live in a world that values strength and belittles weakness. These are opposite values from the Father’s Love.

We idolize characters such as Rambo, John Wayne, and Jason Bourne. It is easy to feel that there is no way to advance in life if people see our weaknesses, our personal struggles. So we tend to be drawn toward hiding these things about ourselves. We want to put them in the dark where no one can see them. Yet, if we can’t even acknowledge we have struggles, how can we ever hope to overcome them?

So how do you live in Fathers love transparency?

Understanding what is darkness and what is light is step one and puts a huge tool in your hands for growth.

Blatant sin, of course, is darkness; however, there can be smaller, less noticeable ways where we might be living in the dark. 1 John 1:6 says,”… if we say we have fellowship with God, but we continue living in darkness, we lie and do not follow the truth.” So what exactly does this “living in darkness” mean? Simply put, anything that is hidden and not exposed. To paraphrase Andrew Murray’s definition of humility, darkness is not being willing to be known for who we really are.

If we are humble – being known for who we really are – then we find no reason to hide our past, our present struggles, or our future dreams. But being open and transparent like this involves risk. If we were to divulge certain things about ourselves, people may reject us or make fun of us, or even worse, they may not love and accept us. And it’s possible they may abandon us.

It’s much easier to stay in the dark than to take the chance of living in openness and transparency, but The Fathers Love Transparencyunfortunately, there are “friends” that tend to hang around us there. Fear, worry, anxiety, shame, guilt – all of these can be our ‘best friends’ when we’re in darkness. And there’s no peace or rest there. Only by embracing light do we position ourselves to experience growth and live ever deeper in Father Gods rest.

We can be free from our past and live emotionally present in all our relationships today! By facing the hidden darkness in our lives, we can find freedom to be who we really are, unashamedly. You begin living in the Fathers Love transparency.

Light is the place where we have the actual experience of feeling secure in our Father’s arms and live open-hearted to the world.

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Fathers Love Coming Home Exercise

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Fathers Love Coming Home 

“If you’re not at home in love you’re going to need drugs, or alcohol, or porn or food…” – Jack & Trisha Frost.

Fathers love coming home

In Father’s love circles we talk about being “at home in love“. It’s a place of feeling:

  • Connected to God’s love that casts out all your fears.
  • Safe and valued.
  • A heart response back to God that cries out, “Abba Father!”

We all feel our heart drift away from the Fathers love sometimes. We are triggered for some reason and we need to find our way back home.

This is a great concept that really hits home where we live, however, how do we work it out? In today’s post I will show you a very useful prayer ministry tool for coming home to the Father’s love.

 

Triggers

 

Step 1– Identify a negative experience you have had recently (please take a moment and do this).

Here’s an example, I’m driving along and a person zooms around me just in time to stop at a red light. However, I was going to turn right. I now have to wait for the light to change because “speedracer” felt the need to zip in front of me and stop. This event brings negative feelings to me. I feel angry, slighted, not considered.

 

What Do I Want Instead?

Step 2– In the negative situation you identified, what would you have wanted to happen instead?

I would have wanted to be more considered by that other driver. This question roots out my wrong belief. So in my case, I don’t fully believe I’m loved just for who I am, a son of God, made in His image. I believe I have to be considered by others to be loved and have worth.

 

I believe I am worthwhile if…?

Step 3– Identify your belief by adding what you wanted instead of what happened to the sentence stem: “I believe I am worthwhile if…”

In my case this is, “I believe I am worthwhile if I am considered.” As I do this exercise, I realize that when I have negative feelings it is because of an underlying shame belief. A belief that tears down who I am as a person, as a child of God.

 

Receive God’s Truth

The final step is to simply receive God’s truth in the place of the lie I have discovered. Truth — I have value simply because I am Fathers Love Coming Homea child of God. My worth does not depend on other people properly considering me. What is God’s truth in your case? Ask Him for it.

Drifting away from being at home in the Father’s love is something we all experience from time to time. This is a good tool to help you “come home.”

PS. – There are times we are triggered beyond what an exercise can address. At these times we need to take the step of getting some prayer ministry. If this is your case, contact us at info@fountainsoflife.org  This exercise is based off of Tony D’Souza’s Discovering Awareness series.

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The Perfectionism Test Will Help You Integrate the Fathers Love

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The Perfectionism Test Will Help You Integrate the Fathers Love

Seeing Perfectionism

UnderThe Perfectionism Test Will Help You Integrate the Fathers Lovestanding how perfectionism affects my life has followed the same pattern of seeing shame and performance orientation. I had the impression these issues applied to a select few people that “were really wounded.” As I finally came to see how perfectionism works and functions in my daily life, it brought huge growth in productivity and in integrating the Fathers Love. I first came to recognize it as I pursued further education.

When I worked on my degree in counseling, I had to write a fifteen-page research paper for almost every class. “Writer’s block” and I were constant companions. Yet, I had deadlines! Sitting, staring at my computer for an hour and writing very little had a debilitating effect on me. I heard voices saying, “You’ll never work this out,” “This topic will never work,” “This is overwhelming.” My writing wasn’t coming together fast enough nor well enough to keep me advancing towards my goal. Ugh! I didn’t recognize that I struggled with perfectionism.

Root of Perfectionism

Perfectionism stems from lies of shame, ie: “Something’s wrong with me,” “I don’t measure up,” “No one is there to help me.” I find this area of shame expresses itself as, “My work is not measuring up so I might as well quit.”

Being in a Learning Relationship with Life

Currently I still have to write most every day. Finding deeper security and value in the Father’s love has helped tremendously. It is okay not to know how to do something or not to get it right the first time. The Perfectionism Test Will Help You Integrate the Fathers LoveLearning and completing projects is a process. It’s normal to make mistakes and go through several rough drafts to get  my work at the level I want it. It’s okay to take just a step at a time, and if it takes longer than I planned, then that’s okay too. If I continue taking steps I’ll get there. I learn about myself in the process and how to treat myself with patience and kindness.

Conclusion

As I pursue inner healing, seek to advance in my workouts, or even pursue a deeper prayer life, perfectionism can sneak in. Accepting that I’m okay, and being at the step I am on today is okay, brings the freedom to keep trying.
Perfectionism struggles are a good gauge on my self-acceptance level and my ability to rest in the Father’s love. The more it is okay to make mistakes – have setbacks, extend time tables – the more productive I actually become. It is the striving to accomplish something, rooted in fear and shame, that shuts me down. Try some acceptance today and see if you don’t get moving faster. If you get stuck, we can help. Prayer Ministry resolves perfectionism and brings forward movement in your life.

How Prayer Ministry Resolves Your Shame Pool

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How Prayer Ministry Resolves Your Shame Pool. Understanding the true effects of shame and how to resolve them in prayer ministry is important for lasting freedom in your life.

Consider this example: Brian had a busy week of preparing for his tests in college. He knew he needed to study, yet the mere thought of it made him feel overwhelmed and want to shut down. This shut down feeling wasn’t something he’d really examined, he just knew that cracking open the books was more than he could bear. Shame is a core factor in most all of the issues people face. Prayer ministry can resolve shame when you understand how. Let’s start by defining shame.

What is shame? There’s the old saying, “Guilt says I did bad, shame says I am bad.” That’s a good start, but doesn’t capture the bigger picture of what shame really is. I’ve considered “alienation” lately as a good word. Cognitive Therapy divides shame into Prayer Ministry Resolves Your Shame Pooltwo categories: flawed and abandoned. Flawed includes thoughts like, “I’m worthless, less than,” or “I’m defective, dirty, deficient.” Abandoned covers feeling completely alone, powerless, unprotected, or cutoff. To me, all of these communicate a sense of alienation. Whether I’m not feeling accepted in a group or powerless to get a task done, there’s a sense of being cut off, alienated.

Everyone struggles with these types of thoughts sometimes. Basil Pennington says growing closer to God involves facing and coming to terms with our sense of alienation from God, others, and even our own selves. This may be one reason people find it difficult to have a consistent prayer time and develop a deeper relationship with God and other people. The sense of alienation is painful and they don’t know what to do about it.

Many prayer ministry and counseling models don’t effectively deal with our shame pool. They cover forgiveness or breaking off a stronghold, or they deal more with fruit instead of root–like not striving or performing, setting better boundaries. All of these are, of course, helpful unless there is an undealt with underlying root of shame that says, “I’m less than,” or “I’m helpless.”

I worked with Brian to connect with what was happening in his heart in regards to studying. He felt it was overwhelming, too big to handle, and that he was powerless to tackle it. This led him to think about an experience in grade school where a teacher had put unreasonable demands on him. As he examined this event, he realized his teacher had been struggling with managing the class Prayer Ministry Resolves Your Shame Poolin a healthy way. He realized it wasn’t about him, that there was nothing “flawed” about him and he was able to forgive his teacher. As he now considered his college studies, he felt a new empowerment to dive in. He had drained off more of his shame pool.

Understanding how shame works puts a huge tool for freedom in our hands. The more we face our alienation – any time we feel cut off from others, or powerless to speak up to others, or helpless to resolve an issue – the more we grow in confidence as sons and daughters of God. Confidence in sonship means we can hold our hearts open to loving others with a covering love. We are able to bear the infirmities of the weak rather than feel threatened by them. We have the maturity to tackle responsibilities rather than shrink back from them. Each day we can hold our heart open in God’s presence. If you feel like you want to learn more about this “shame pool,” please check out our Road Map to Maturity CD series.

How to Be Teachable and Build With Life Skills Through Prayer Ministry

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How to Be Teachable and Build With Life Skills Through Prayer Ministry. This gives you the tools to overcome feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness.

I worked in prayer ministry with Barbara who had been in two abusive marriages. She was very frustrated that, “God didn’t protect her.” She had feelings of helplessness: “Why didn’t I see the red flags, especially the second time?” She had experienced much loss in terms of the pain she went through and even more so in what it put her children through. The powerlessness was because Barbara didn’t know what she didn’t know.

Principle of MHow to Be Teachable and Build With Life Skills Through Prayer Ministryeekness
Consider meekness. In John 6, Jesus gave a hard teaching and many turned away; but Peter said, “To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” Galatians 6 (Amp) says, “If a person is in misconduct, restore him in a spirit of meekness, considering yourself.” In Hebrews 12:5-8, there is the picture of a son receiving instruction and correction from a father. Meekness means a teachable heart.

It may seem odd to view Barbara’s issue in this light, until we look a little closer.

Principle of Independence
Independence is an opposite of meekness. It can often be expressed as a victim mentality. Here lived the children of Israel in the wilderness. “Moses brought us out here to kill us.” They were expressing their feelings of powerlessness and helplessness and a belief that God had abandoned them even after all the miracles God had done in their behalf. Believing you are abandoned is a shame belief. Shame results from feeling either abandoned or flawed. I used to view shame as something someone either had or they didn’t. I didn’t see it as more of a continuum that ideally is diminishing as we mature in the Lord. In other words, we all have areas where we struggle with feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness.

Shame Pool
We all have a ‘shame pool’ at some level. It causes us to focus on others rather than take personal responsibility; not embracing the idea people can only make us mad if we let them. It causes us to draw wrong conclusions like, “I’m cursed,” or “God’s angry with me,” or “God doesn’t protect me,” or “nothing ever works out for me.”

Consider this picture: Joey comes home deflated from being made fun of in gym class. He was “terrible at basketball.” Joey had no fear of telling his father of his troubles because his dad was safe and not critical. Dad helps him to see that there’s nothing wrong with him, he simply lacked skills. This communicates his problem is solvable; he’s not helpless or without power to change this How to Be Teachable and Build With Life Skills Through Prayer Ministrysituation. Dad also begins practicing with him to help improve his skill level. These experiences teach Joey that it is okay to be vulnerable and to talk out his problems. That someone will be there with emotional and even material or physical support. This leads to Joey growing up to have a deep faith in God and an ability to walk in community with others. He’s an overcomer because he has learned the skills to be a champion problem-solver.

Barbara’s family never dialogued through any issues. There would be yelling, critical comments or the silent treatment when issues arose. This would last for a couple days and then magically disappear. It was never clear how or even if resolution occurred, leaving her feeling somewhat powerless to do or say anything about the problem and living in the “unknown.”

Barbara was able to see the missing skills in her family and come to terms with it, embracing that her parents were not able to give her what had never been given to them. This broke off feelings that God had abandoned her. Seeing the missing skills gave her the ability to now learn them. Now she walks in healthy relationships, well able to see both red flags and good relational skills in others.

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