Fathering Leadership

How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

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How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

Prayer Ministry is wonderful for removing blockages but it is only half the battle. I tell people, it’s a two-sided coin. We remove the blockage but then the new skill must be walked out.

Learning new skills is often very difficult for people. When I moved to the mission field I realized that learning Spanish was a bigger skill than I imagined. I initially thought learning the corresponding Spanish word was all I needed to do. I soon discovered there was so much more. I had to learn how concepts were communicated in Spanish versus English. I had to learn to hear the new words in conversation. I had to be willing to step out and try speaking it and likely look a little foolish. I knew missionaries that never learned to speak Spanish well because they just couldn’t take the risk of stepping out and saying something wrong and looking foolish.

Consider some of the skills we may need for life:

  • setting a boundary with peers or persistent children

  • dialogue – talking through an issue, not resorting to anger or withdrawal

  • public speaking

  • leading worship

  • facing a large work/school project

Often fear is a hindrance. This is usually easy to deal with in prayer ministry. There’s always a root to fear, usually in the area of an abandonment lie. However, once that is resolved, the skill still has to be attempted. This doesn’t guarantee success. Most people don’t learn to ride a bike on the first try.

If someone doesn’t feel good about trying more than once there may be a perfectionism issue. If you think, “What if I fail?” check your heart for perfection. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can try, learn, get more prayer ministry if need be, and try some more. Anyone who is persistent can overcome.

“By this all men will know you are My disciples, by the love that you have for people.” (John.13:25) So often spiritual things are put into amorphous terms, such as, “You’ve either had some experience in love or you haven’t”. “You either preached with anointing or you didn’t.” I don’t want to discount that. We do need experiences in God and His anointing. However, learning skills play a huge role also.

Skills like, “Have I dealt with my rejection issues so I can walk in love toward the immature behavior of others?” “Do I know the basics of good public speaking so God’s anointing has something to work with?”

We wouldn’t say to a keyboard player to “just be anointed.” Cyndi would tell you that practicing hours and hours a day in college led to not having to think now as she plays during worship because of the incredible muscle memory she has, therefore allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through her playing as He desires.

The world desperately needs mature Christians who have not only overcome their issues, but who have also developed good skills to bring God’s answers to a hurting world.

It is Normal to Need Ministry, Finding Freedom from Depression, Anxiety, and Brokenness

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Many people battle depression, anxiety, negative thoughts and negative emotions. They too often struggle in finding freedom from depression.

If you can recognize your powerless lies you can experience freedom.

Freedom from Depression Difficulties

Chris Cornell, lead singer of Soundgarden, recently committed suicide at the age of 52. He suffered from depression and anxiety. We hear of this so often in the news and it can give the idea that there’s simply no help to heal these issues. My experience is that help really is available.

Henry Nouwen in his excellent book, Life of the Beloved, shares how brokenness is so
mething that effects everyone at some level. Statistically 18.2%, 1 in 5 Americans, suffer from some type of mental illnesses.

I grew up in an abusive environment and suffered from anxiety, feelings of impending doom, and some depression. I also had symptoms of PTSD. Hearing a loud male voice in public or on television would cause an instant physical reaction of fear in me. My past affected my present.

From years of doing Prayer Ministry with people, I can tell you how common this is in the Body of Christ. It is also quite common that people continue to live with these issues without ever finding help. There is a reason people don’t reach out.

Asking for Help — It is Normal to Need Ministry

Brokenness lies to us by saying things like, “Its shameful – don’t admit it.” Or “There’s no help for you, you’ve tried everything.”

I have sought healing and worked to minister healing since 1986. Many things have helped, yet many things I thought would bring healing led to disappointment.

Let’s consider some keys to help:

  • It’s normal to need ministry. If you can embrace this concept you can get past the shame so often attached to issues like fear, depression, anxiety, and grief.
  • Help comes in packages we don’t expect, so it’s easy to get frustrated. It also tends to come in phases and not all at once.

Many times I’ve sought an instant fix through a particular person or a certain ministry. I experienced disappointment when it didn’t work out that way. Many things have helped, but only partially. And many people have helped, but not in the ways I thought they should.

The key is always to not give up when the first few attempts at reaching out don’t yield all the results you hoped. As I’ve continued growing in different types of healing, there has been a cumulative affect that has taken my healing deeper.

Things I have found to be helpful:

  • Understanding God’s grace.
  • Learning deeply the messages of the Father’s Love.
  • Deliverance Ministry.
  • Being mentored by healthy people.
  • Prayer Ministry – this has yielded the biggest result, especially the type of ministry that brings resolution to previously unresolved events.
  • Cooperating with God’s work in my life and not running when things get difficult.

I haven’t done any of these things perfectly. Mistakes where made along the way. Yet, the results have been significant.

Freedom From Depression and Emotional Pain

Today I largely walk free of anxiety. However, when it does occasionally come up, I have the tools to quickly move past it. I’m also free from PTSD. I can hear a loud male voice with no reaction whatsoever.

If you are struggling in these ways, feel free to email me for more suggestions of help.

Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

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Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

Capacity to Try and Emotional Health

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Capacity to Try and Emotional Health

The capacity to try is an interesting measure of ability for hard work and therefore success. It is also very much tied into emotional health. Capacity is the product of the right environmental foundation and the right development, even as a muscle in the human body is developed. Ultimately it is having a heart of sonship.

I worked with Joe in prayer ministry. He owned a small painting business. He had good current accounts and new ones calling him, yet he found it difficult to get motivated and seize the day. Things fell through the cracks and his family suffered financially. He was so tired of the self-condemnation. He’d tried everything and felt hopeless.Capacity to Try and Emotional Health

In his book, Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell states that, “Working hard is what successful people do.” Then he presents an interesting study: “Alan Schoenfeld, a math professor at Berkeley, studied average students working through math problems. One student endured twenty-two minutes on a problem and finally found her misconception and solved it. Most students studied asked for the answer after just a few failed attempts. The average student concludes it is too hard to ever solve at the two-minute mark.” (italics mine)

Capacity to try applies to learning all skills. Recently I’ve been into cycling with a group. Some days I can stay with the front of the pack. Yesterday I had trouble staying up with the back of the pack. Do I get discouraged, do I keep practicing?  How long will it take to build up my legs and endurance? In learning Spanish on the mission field, I met missionaries who never grew beyond asking where the bathroom was. They felt foolish speaking incorrectly in front of the locals. Of course, not being willing to make a mistake shuts down all learning. This is true with  growing in emotional health. It too, has a learning curve and requires persistence.

Capacity to Try and Emotional HealthHow long can I go before giving up? “Success is a function of persistence and doggedness and the willingness to work hard for twenty-two minutes to make sense of something that most people would give up on after thirty seconds. Testing how hard someone is willing to work reveals their capacity at success.” Gladwell (2008)

One of the ways exercise intensity is measured is through heart rate. Willingness to try is an interesting measure of emotional health and capacity for forward movement.

As I worked with Joe, he got in touch with an ambivalence his mother often expressed toward him. It was hard and painful to acknowledge this. But as he worked through it he was able to let go of lies that he lacked value and was powerless. He saw his mom had her own pain and that her ambivalence was not about him.

Many of us struggle with deep-rooted lies of powerlessness from where abuse objectified us repeatedly. The capacity to try comes from having lived in a safe environment where parents were loving, kind, patient, available, and encouraging. A place where it was okay to make a mistake, okay not to know something. There was an atmosphere void of absolute thinking, critical comments, and bigotry. In this environment, the child is supported in his efforts, learns from his failures and experiences the payoff from his work thus developing his “try” muscle. If this is not our foundation, we have to resolve any pain remaining from that lack and build it into our lives by knowing that our Heavenly Father is patient, kind, and enduring with us.

Understanding that the foundation of “willingness to try” is based in the Father’s love gives us a map for success rather than a bullet-point formula.

Gladwell, M. (2008). Outliers. NY: Back Bay Books

How A Sonship Mentality Helps You Overcome Challenges

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Where the Power Lies

Everyone faces challenges in life. There are times we face them with faith and hope, knowing we can find the steps to overcome; and at other times we may feel overwhelmed, powerless, and without hope. This is the difference between a sonship mentality and a slave mentality. Discerning our mentality in the midst of the challenge is key to overcoming what we are facing.

Slave mentality statements say:

“I can’t ever make a good grade in that class, the teacher just doesn’t like me.”

“That person makes me so mad.”

“My boss makes me feel hopeless, he has no idea what it takes to do this job!”Sonship Mentality Overcoming

What do all these statements have in common?

These statements declare that the power lies with others and a lack of a sonship mentality overcoming the obstacles in our way.

If other people have the power to:

  • “make me fail a class,”
  • “make me angry,” or even to
  • “make me feel hopeless,”

then we have a slave mentality. This is when the power to determine my outcome lies with another person or circumstance rather than with me cooperating with God.

These are common struggles that get dealt with in Prayer Ministry and most everyone struggles with these at some level. No one is able to always take initiative, to always take appropriate responsibility for their actions and their circumstances. We are all in the process of growing.

The Power of Being Teachable for Overcoming Challenges

This presents some crucial challenges to growth, especially to our ability to be teachable.

When power lies with others, life has a sense of randomness. We are never entirely sure if we are “in” or “out” of favor. To defend against this, we may take on suspicion, prejudice (opinion formed without knowledge or examination of facts), even intolerance, legalism, and control issues. So since the power lies with others, life really is unknown and unpredictable.

This has huge implications for being able to learn new things and grow. If we have no ability to take responsibility within ourselves, we are unable to learn new insights and learn from our life experiences.

God wants to place tools in our hands as sons (and daughters) to possess our individual promised land. We really can shed these “Israel in the wilderness” mentalities and become sons who can fight successfully in the Promised Land.

Here are some steps to help you move towards a sonship mentality:

  1. Take a moment right now and consider the challenges you are facing. Is it a job situation? Are you struggling with a family member and it seems it will never change? Maybe it is a health, diet, or debt issue.
  2. Now check your heart. Do you feel empowered or powerless?
  3. If you discern some feelings of powerlessness or that others must change in order for you to move forward, talk to God about it. Ask Him if there are some steps you haven’t yet seen to help you move forward. Maybe God will point you toward some research and new learning for your situation. Maybe He will refocus your faith. He may call you into some repentance. He may lead you to reach out to a particular person for help.

Whatever He reveals, please don’t stay stuck. Take some action today and get moving towards your destiny. “If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.”

 

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    How Sonship Causes Growth in Community to Unlock Your Destiny

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    Sonship Causes Growth in Community Like GeeseSonship Causes Growth in Community

    I love the picture of geese working together as they fly. They take turns leading, breaking the wind, so no one goose gets overly tired. Those in the back honk their support as the leader plows ahead. (Read article if you wish.)

    You Are Called

    You have a destiny in sonship to affect the world with God’s love. You have unique giftings, talents, and experiences that equip you to do what no one else can. It may be a support role or a lead role. It may be working with the elderly, young people, or those in other nations. It may be in writing, speaking, praying, and meeting practical needs.

    Regardless of the form it takes, it always involves being like those geese. It always involves working with other people to make the world a better place, to make God’s love and salvation known.

    The Problem

    There is a problem however. Working with people sometimes involves pain. Many of us have been wounded in community. This happens in our families of origin, school settings, churches, and businesses. And if we don’t deal with these wounds we often develop a “don’t trust” attitude.

    Don’t Trust, Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel

    I saw a story of a girl who would never let others into her heart. She always keep her defenses up, never embraced teamwork, and lived as a loner. Even a guy who liked her and was kind and emotionally healthy, she pushed away. She may have not admitted it to herself, but she was rejecting him before he could reject her.

    With a trust deficit everyone is seen as a potential threat. You have an “us vs. them” mentality. Rejection hurts so much you go through your whole life trying to protect yourself from it by putting walls of judgment up toward others.

    God designed us to need each other, to function in community. We need each other’s emotional support, love, encouragement, and prayers.

    If you recognize yourself as having difficulty functioning in community, that is a huge first step. A problem that has been identified is a problem that can be solved. Be encouraged!

    If this is an area in which you struggle, we can help.

    In my book, The Sonship Empowered Life, I cover these things in detail.

    • You learn the steps to security in our heavenly Father’s love so you can hold your heart open to other people.

    • You learn how to live from that love in every area of your life.

    • And you learn how this foundation empowers community and destiny.

    Geese have it right. God’s plan is for us to live in community, working with others to demonstrate His love to the world. Can I get a “honk,” amen?

    Family Model for Healing

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    The family model for healing gives you the keys to overcoming your stuck places.

    Prayer Ministry Last Week for seeing the family model for healing.family model for healing A week ago Jeanine walked over to the break room at her office late one morning. Several coworkers were laughing but abruptly stopped as she walked in. Jeanine was hired as a replacement for a beloved secretary that had left due to a heartbreaking illness. The other employees were slow to offer acceptance of Jeanine and allow her to fit in, causing her to battle feelings of rejection and worthlessness.

    There are clear ways for Jeanine to work through the pain of this experience last week. She can forgive her coworkers. She can affirm her worth in Christ and not in how other people treat her. She can seek empathy toward the loss the other employees are feeling and give them some time.

    Prayer Ministry 40 Years Ago

    If Jeanine experienced this office rejection in her 20’s and is now in her 50’s but never resolved this event, it remains unresolved. Similar events will reactivate this unresolved rejection. The same is true for Sally, who, at 8-years-old, comes home from school each day in pain from being bullied. This situation has either been resolved in her heart or it hasn’t, whether she is 8 or 80. In a nutshell, this is prayer ministry. It is simply making peace with unresolved events.

    The Family Model of Prayer Ministry

    prayer ministryFamily is God’s design to teach us about Himself. When the family functions as God intended, it expresses love and understanding. So if Sally comes home in pain from being bullied, Dad is emotionally safe, available, and loving. Even though she’s hurting, she trusts her dad’s love enough to share the pain with him. Dad comforts her and lets her know she is loved regardless of the treatment from the girls at school. And not only does Dad love, but he also supports her in finding a solution to the bullying. If Sally’s family walked in love, understanding, and dialogue, Sally did not go forward in life with an unresolved event.

    A Do-Over

    Prayer ministry is simply a do-over from what should have happened in the original event. When your dad was not like Sally’s, we do not get a free pass from the painful event. We still have to work out these unresolved areas of pain, otherwise, they will follow us the rest of our lives.

    Prayer Ministry Empowerment Over Powerless Lies

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    Prayer Ministry Empowerment Over Powerless Lies

    God always desires to bring growth to our lives, new places of maturity where He can entrust us with new authority and new blessings. It is nice when we notice this growth and can thank Him. If I have to think long and hard to come up with recent ways I have grown in maturity, it may be an indication of a blockage in my life. Prayer ministry should be a normal part of our lives and Christian growth.

    Recently I was shopping in a part of town right across the street of a former car dealership where I worked at as a salesman. I remembered how stuck I so often felt. I battled so many powerless lies in those days. Among the salesmen was a term we used called, “getting blacked out.” It meant being so discouraged and negative you Prayer Ministry Empowerment Over Powerless Lieswould not even try to make a sale. There were many times a customer would come on the lot and I would want to hide. I was convinced that if I spoke to them, they would end up wasting my time and then buying a car somewhere else. I got blacked out quite a bit.

    Since the start of 2013, I have had a several large projects to complete. For one, I have worked on a new teaching series containing five messages. As I’ve worked on these projects, I’ve hit many roadblocks. As I stood looking at this old car dealership it hit me that these projects have not been debilitating. I haven’t had that “blacked out” feeling at all. In fact I have been able to simply hold before God the places where I didn’t know the next step. Sure enough, within a day or two I’d have my answer and take the next step. On the occasions when I did feel stuck, I was able to quickly get prayer ministry, work through the issue in my heart, and get moving again.Prayer Ministry Empowerment Over Powerless Lies

    In the past, I have battled getting projects started. And if I did, I didn’t finish many of them. This is how it was for many years of my Christian life, and now it is wonderful to have freedom in this area. I do praise God with heartfelt thanks for this liberty.

    What has God done in you lately? Did you thank Him? Have you seen growth and movement in your walk with the Lord? If you are in a season of stuckness, trying to press through to that next level of freedom, be encouraged. It is worth it to press through. If you feel it is bigger than you can handle alone, we can help. We also have a new teaching series called Discovery Prayer Ministry that may help. If you need some face to face assistance, we offer one-on-one prayer ministry at our office. Feel free to call us and check out our website (roberthartzell.com) for helpful articles and teachings. God wants you empowered to mature.

    Living Mentored How to Find Mentoring Relationships

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    How to Find Mentoring Relationships

    Having mentoring relationships in your life is one of the most important steps for growth you can take. It is the essence of sonship. Many people are stuck because they can’t How to Find Mentoring Relationshipsseem to move out of a life of independence. These dynamics can be seen in Adam’s life in the story of Creation.

    Adam’s core issue stemmed from choosing independence. He wanted to know good and evil so he could choose for himself what was appropriate or not for his life. This led to fear (Gen.3:10), because now it became his responsibility to provide for and protect himself; and what if he couldn’t? I believe the source of all fear is right here. Fear always involves a belief that God’s not with me and trying to handle life on my own (independence).

    My Story

    I realized, after years of being stuck, that if I wanted mentors in my life I would have to take the initiative to find them, and accept there are no perfect ones. If I took a teachable attitude, I found I would always gain something of value in the relationship, even if there were aspects of their counsel I did not agree with. Through the years I have had a number of mentors. I want to tell you about the latest.

    I was experiencing a stuck time in my life with writers block, so I approached a friend who is a businessman. He was a person I viewed as knowing how to complete projects. I shared with him that I could use some extra accountability to complete several important projects and he agreed to hold me accountable.

    On our first meeting, I expected to lay out my projects, talk about what steps I needed to take, and what timelines I should aim for. To my surprise, he wanted to talk about my marriage.

    Most of my projects involve writing and putting together messages for public speaking. These require a large amount of creativity. My friend felt that when the foundation of a healthy marriage is solid, everything else flows – especially creativity. In other words, all the projects, steps to take and timelines to set, would all come together if my personal life was fully alive. This was not how I expected the meeting to go, however, I did ask him for his counsel. As a result, he asked me to send my wife an email including questions about what I could do to make her feel more appreciated, more secure and more cared for.

    To be honest with you, there was a time in my life where this would have been extremely difficult. Even now I’m not sure I could say it was easy; yet, I sure see the value in it.

    spiritual father

    Living Fathered

    Hebrews 12:5-9 says we can live either as fathered or as spiritual orphans.

    Verse 9 says that when we can submit to a father’s instruction and correction, we “live!” – life flows through us. But there is no inheritance where there is no father to give it. This businessman imparted an inheritance to me. I was stuck and his input got me moving again. The projects I hoped to finish are now all completed.

    Are there people speaking into your life who have walked before you? Are there experienced mentors who understand how you feel and what you are going through? For ministry questions, as distinctly different from business support and advice, I relate to the person leading the minister’s fellowship I belong to, another mentor. He has around 40 years of successful ministry and marriage. Most anything I could face in ministry, he’s already experienced and can give me input.

    1 John 4:20 says if you don’t have love in the natural, you won’t in the spiritual. If you can’t submit to earthly spiritual fathers, you will have that same difficulty with your Heavenly Father. You either have that value operating in your life or you haven’t learned it yet.

    Sometimes there are prayer ministry issues to workout before you can receive spiritual fathering. Maybe there are past experiences that were hurtful in this area. It is important to resolve these issues, come out of your independence, and gain an inheritance from a father. This will lead you to live a life without fear.

    Here’s a question for you to ponder: What could you accomplish if you had no fear?

    Receiving Fathers

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    Receiving Fathers is a deep hearts need we all have.

    A Longing to be Fathered

    In the opening scene of the movie August Rush, two boys about nine years old stare out the window of their orphanage longing for a family. Can you imagine their dreams? A dad to toss the ball with them and tuck them in at night. A mom who has warm cookies and milk waiting as they arrive home from school. God has put into all of us a longing to be fathered.

    Heart Attitude and A Skill

    We can look at this longing in two ways: as a heart attitude and as a skill. Are you learning to seek out spiritual fathers and mentors or do you battle a stronghold of independence? Do you relate to them properly or place unreasonable demands and expectations on them? If you struggle with these things, the first thing to check is your heart. Is your attitudReceiving Fatherse good? The next thing to consider is the skill of taking action to find fathers and relate rightly to them.

    Steps

    Where do you need growth? Do you need help in parenting skills or marriage skills? Do you need better focus in your career to really be the marketplace minister God has called you to be? Are you struggling to know God as your heart really longs to?

    In a nutshell, looking to a mentor or spiritual father has to do with having a more experienced person speaking into your life. God did not make us to live alone – in independence. He designed us to operate in a “family” system. Working out problems by ourselves or even seeking new learning without help can become frustrating and usually breaks down somewhere in the process.

    Only a father can pass on an inheritance. 1 John 4:20 reveals a powerful principle: first the natural, then the spiritual. We cannot say we walk in sonship with God if we don’t express it toward man. We either struggle with independence or we don’t.

    God has an inheritance for all His children. He doesn’t want us to be spiritual orphans, longing for a father. It is so worth it to work through your independence issues as well as find a spiritual father who can help you come into your destiny.

    If you struggle with any fathering issues, our CD series Discovery Prayer Ministry can be a valuable tool in this process. Contact us today if you need any help.

     

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