Fathering Leadership

Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

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Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

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How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

I recently attended a meeting of professionals who were well-educated, had good jobs and good families. A person came in and inconsiderately interrupted the meeting. No one said anything to this person but the majority of those in the meeting gave fleeting glances of disgust or disapproval. This is an example of shame in action. Understanding shame interactions, how to recognize them and how to resolve daily shame interactions is an important tool to use in your Christian devotions to build Christian maturity.

Resolve Daily Shame InteractionsIn years past I had not realized how common shame is. I had heard statements like, “Guilt says you have done something bad, shame says that you are bad;” and “Shame only grows in the dark.” I had thought shame only occurs in someone who has really been exploited or victimized in some way. I certainly didn’t see how it applied in my life and definitely not in any regular kind of way.

The first key steps to overcoming shaming interactions are identification and recognition.

Why is this important?
When I judge another human being I am effectively saying that I am better than they are, that I would never fail in the type of way they did. This serves to put a wall up around my heart, a barrier between that person and myself. Judgement causes blockage.

One time I was on the subway in Seoul where I saw a Muslim man with his wife who was covered in a burqa. Previously I had judged that if foreign women have to wear the appropriate clothing in Muslim nations, then Muslim women should adjust in non-Muslim nations. As I saw this couple I thought to myself, “Dude, men are not after your wife. You don’t have to keep her covered like that.” Immediately I realized – that was a judgmental thought! It put a barrier up in my heart between he and I and blocked the flow of love and compassion and any hope of sharing the Gospel with this man.

Our FoundationResolve Daily Shame Interactions
1 John 4:18-21 says we can talk a good game, but if we have a wall up toward a brother — even a “pre-Christian” — we have one up toward God as well. When I block myself from love, it opens the door to many difficulties such as less desire or discipline to pray and more desire to escape into television or food.

The Christian life is designed so that it only functions well on the foundation of a heart open to love. Without this, I can go through the motions of prayer or Christian service, but there’s no life in it. Keeping my heart “on-line” to love is a crucial skill.

Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity

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Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity as a Child of God

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. And with these expected misunderstanding there are basically two ways we respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability. Understanding these help you work out your sonship identity and start standing in dignity as a child of God.

Challenges Happen
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. Defeatedly he comes home wired, tense, and longing for the refuge of his comfy chair and TV. Just as Ron is about to sit down his wife immediately blasts him with, “Honey,the car won’t start,” and “By the way, your good-for-nothing son is failing math.” That does it. Ron instantly loses it; he raises his voice in a bitterly sarcastic way with his wife and becomes down right caustic with his son. Angrily he stomps to his son’s room and uninvitingly opens the door. “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more. Mom says your failing math.”


sonship identity and standing in dignity Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system like this example, individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There’s a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These types of individuals have lived with the excruciating pain of shame instead of profound dignity, so they spend their time protecting themselves from all this by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to finite judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that even the littlest mistakes such as forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, etc., can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees in the Bible were this same type of folk. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their harsh censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead, in their minds, someone must always be to blame. They think subconsciously, “I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you!” So when a son is failing math, the boy doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, he needs to suffer for his insolence!

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and as a person, worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in seemingly innocent statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” Or it could be as crushing as a backhand across the face.sonship identity and standing in dignity

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes; none of us are perfect. The natural provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. In other words, if I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make acceptable repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place. We begin to live as a true son or daughter of the King — our sonship identity.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play; we are all created in His image, thus worthy of value. This has a huge affect in our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. If we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord and understand our sonship identity, we need to check our hearts for any shaming we may be doing and be willing to take responsibility for our own faults and mistakes. When we know we are loved unconditionally, no matter what, we will stand in the dignity as a child of God.

Personhood — Basic Sonship Definition

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The Concept of Personhood Helps with a Basic Sonship Definition. It explains what sonship identity is all about and gives you a path to emotional maturity.

The sonship definition I commonly like to use is a picture of the church coming to an understanding that our spiritual maturity cannot surpass our emotional maturity. An emotionally mature Christian boldly walks in sonship.

So what does a picture of emotional maturity look like? Sonship Definition
Understanding personhood, our God identity, our sonship, gives us a path to follow. Let’s look into this a bit.

The Free Dictionary defines personhood as “the state or condition of being a person, especially having those qualities that confer distinct individuality.”

Personhood is simply my identity as a child of God, made in His image. It results in feeling totally comfortable in my own skin. It means living in a sense of legitimacy and dignity. When parents truly represent the love of their heavenly Father as nurturing, when they create a safe emotional environment, and when boundaries are respected, a person grows and develops a strong sense of their God identity. It is God’s undeniable love and Jesus’ work on the cross that make identity work.

Growing up in this type of environment causes sonship to develop in the child’s heart. Feeling loved and respected, and being allowed to be who they were created to be makes listening, submitting, and following a father figure easier.

The problem is that all of us — when trying to be “fathers” — have control issues at some level. It may be overt or passive: using anger and manipulative words, or using withdrawal and relationship cut-offs respectively. Control, by definition, is demeaning towards another and does not respect boundaries.

But when someone feels free to think what they think, feel what they feel, and to make their own choices and face the consequences therein, they grow and mature. This is how God relates to man. He is the perfect father. However, when mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are crossed, shame is communicated and personhood is diminished.

True sonship occurs when spiritual growth happens and emotional maturity is produced. As we learn how much we are loved, even with all our blunders and mistakes, we grow and mature — our personhood develops. We become unique, individual beloved sons and daughters of God.

The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory

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Understanding The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory opens some important concepts to us.

Many of us have understood grace and the Father’s love, yet we struggle to walk in this daily. We so often get stuck in our fears, worries, frustrations, and irritations. But shining light on God’s heart can help us get moving again. Seeing The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory gives this light. Picture this:

“Daddy!” the little boy says as he runs, smiling, to hug his father returning from work. Both father and son feel joy and connection as they embrace. This “connecting” is attachment, which is simply the capacity for healthy The Father's Love in Terms of Attachment Theoryemotional relationships.

The initial parent-child relationship develops our ability for attachment. The infant’s brain receives signals from the nurture of a loving mother – her holding, rocking, soft words, and smiles – and neural connections are made. In this way attachment grows. Attachment is the foundation of emotional health and maturity.

The Gospel
Adam’s fall was about independence and separation from God, the opposite of attachment. “I’ll get the knowledge of good and evil and then I can decide things on my own.” It would not be too much of a stretch to say that independence is at the root of all sin. Think of the younger and older brothers in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The younger self medicated, symbolizing, in a nut shell, the sins of the flesh. The older brother tried to strive, perform, and be good enough. There are the Pharisaical-type sins. In either case, both are in independence rather than loving relationship with God. Jealousy, gossip, competition, striving, addiction, most everything traces back to attachment pain.

Let’s Extrapolate
We have much more scientific understanding today of how the brain works in the area of relationship and what emotional health looks like. There can be many good neural connections for attachment or very few. If we combine this with the Biblical truth that we know, what do we get? A new light on the idea that God came to have relationship with us.

Attachment is at the crux of Christianity. God so loved that he gave. Jesus came to give us the ultimate gift of attachment, and then we are to give it away to the world. The more I connect daily with God’s love for me and walk that out in showing kindness to others, the more healthy I become and the more I express the heart of the Gospel. But the more I get stuck in negativity, gossip, speaking ill of others, and fears, the more I build wrong structures in the brain and will struggle with being emotionally unhealthy.

Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Love

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Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Love

Understanding the various components of boundaries must be learned if it was not modeled for us growing up. This skill takes time to understand and learn to walk out, just as any skill does. I do not believe we can walk in the Father’s love without it.

Boundaries is a bigger subject than many people realize. In a basic sense it is not about changing another person, rather it is communicating my response to certain behaviors. For example, little Johnnie Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Lovedoesn’t do his homework so I don’t argue with him, berate him, nor demean him. I simply let him know that he will not use any electronics for a whole day – I set a boundary. However, and this is key, the choice remains with him.

Another important understanding of boundaries is that it defines all abuse. Any time another person communicates to me that it is not okay to think what I think, feel what I feel, and have my physical space respected, they are seeking to abuse me. If I inadvertently say the wrong thing and dad gives me “the look” that says “what is the matter with you?” that’s abuse. My thoughts and feelings were not respected. Even if a person’s thoughts and feelings are wrong they still have a right to them. They may face consequences for their actions, but communicating that their personhood is flawed should not be one of them.

When a husband is consistently late, a wife won’t do her part around the house, or a teen won’t do his chores, these also violate boundaries. A family functions lovingly when each member contributes. It is not fair for one party to “drop out.” This is inconsiderate of the feelings of the rest of the family that has to live with the consequences of the “dropout’s” unfinished tasks. Dropping out is actually a form of control. It’s a behavior that violates the boundaries of others. Ideally we hold each other accountable, don’t walk in judgment and talk out our differences, however, this sometimes breaks down. Allowing the dropout to face appropriate consequences for their irresponsibility and not picking up their part is the most loving thing to do in this instance. (Gal.6:3-5)

When I first communicate to my teen that he will have no electronics (privileges) when he doesn’t complete his homework (responsibilities), there will likely be some pushback. But giving in and not holding Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Lovefirm the boundary actually communicates devalue. It communicates that he was not important enough to be held responsible. Pushback brings up the concept of the Extinction Curve. When a certain action no longer receives reinforcement, (for example, freedom from responsibility) a series of attempts is made to try and regain the reinforcement. Eventually these attempts tend to die out.

Understanding the extinction curve gives hope that people will ultimately choose responsibility when met with love that is absent of co-dependence (enabling behavior). Yet, the goal can’t be to change the person. The healthy approach is to view it as love that allows the person to face the consequences of their actions. In the adult world, when you are late consistently you get fired. When a teen has a healthy sense of consequence, he not only learns responsibility but empowerment. It is inward locus of control – my actions bring certain consequences, rather than outward locus – my life is controlled by the choices, actions, and attitudes of others.

Walking in the Father’s love covers others in their short comings, washing away their condemnation. It also values them enough to hold them accountable and call them up higher. I believe the number one characteristic of the end time church will be true spiritual fathers and mothers in abundance.

The Independence Wall Blocks Sonship Identity

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The Independence Wall Blocks Sonship Identity

This week I have heard of not one but two more Christian couples, who have been in church many years, yet getting divorced. In working in prayer ministry I commonly come across people frustrated at not being able to grow and overcome. So often believers The Independence Wall Blocks Sonship Identityhave understood aspects of healing without seeing the bigger picture, the actual path to emotional and spiritual maturity. So often we break the tops off of weeds without getting at the roots. A deeper look at the gospel releases to us the key.

The Fall
When a person gets saved, what are they getting saved from? To answer this question let’s consider what Adam lost. Adam walked in the vulnerability of holding his heart open to intimacy with God, knowing that he was loved and cared for simply because he was a child of God. This is a big deal, countless Christians are secretly angry at God because they feel He didn’t protect them or didn’t come through for them when they really needed Him. If you dig down deep enough there is always a shame lie at the root, “I’m flawed” or “I’m abandoned.”

Root of All Sin
The serpent deceived Adam into thinking God was not fully for him, “You will not certainly die… “God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”, i.e., “God’s holding out on you, there must be something wrong with you that He doesn’t trust you to give these things.” Adam did what we all do when we are hurt and angry, believing lies of shame. Adam partook of the fruit to know good and evil for himself, to put up walls of protection, to live in independence and be in control of his own life. This is the root of all sin and relational breakdown. Adam did it first and we have all followed ever since. I believe this was the beginning of the old man.

Identity
Choosing to live for self is choosing to live for an image. Adam, instead of having his identity in simply being a child of God, now had his own image to uphold. “I will decide good and evil, what is appropriate for myself.” He now had the image of his declared independence to promote, protect, and provide for. All striving is here, all performance, all fear, because, what if he can’t get himself taken care of? Most sin is a revolt of this striving not working out. “No one is there for me so I’ll get high and take care of myself.”

Conclusion
The challenge is that many Christians and churches are not aware of this. Yet this is our lifelong journey, our path to health and maturity. It is our willingness to become aware of our identity issues driving our sin and relational breakdown, holding our hearts open before God to work through them.

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

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Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build IdentityThe big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identitywith that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics

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How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics. This is a primary way of expressing the Father’s Love to others.

Boundaries with my son

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. I had a way to express the Fathers love through boundaries. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control TacticsIf I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

How Sonship Identity Overcomes Powerlessness

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Sonship Identity Overcomes Powerlessness

When we integrate who Father says we are at the point of pain wonderful change occurs.

“A bill arrived that was overdue, with late fees. Once again my wife became critical of me; things always seem to end up being my fault. I try to keep peace with her. I have tried to talk with her about it so many times. It just feels hopeless.”

Sonship Identity Overcomes PowerlessnessMost people I work with in prayer ministry at some level struggle with a sense of  powerlessness. There is a repeated pattern of struggle with their spouse, child, boss, even their self. They have tried to overcome it numerous times and just have not been able to be successful.  Often they haven’t seen the skill set needed to overcome. I can mention some of these skill sets such as:  keeping the conversation safe, standing up for yourself without putting the other down, and setting boundaries; however, the person often feels like they can’t apply these skills, they feel powerless, hopeless.

Understanding the roots to this gives a paradigm snapshot of effective prayer ministry. It starts by understanding the nature of abuse and personhood.

Sonship Identity is defined as someone who feels comfortable in their own skin. This comfort with ourselves and who we are is borne out of our mental and emotional boundaries being respected and our physical space being protected. All abuse involves the crossing of these boundaries.

“What’s wrong with you, don’t you even care about your grades?”

There’s no real dialogue here, no seeking to value and know the heart of the other, where their struggle is, or how we might help. There’s a demeaning of thought and feeling. Demeaning words imply fault or defect. It ultimately treats the person like an object, “I don’t care how you feel or what you think, do what I say.” This is how I wouldSonship Identity Overcomes Powerlessness treat an object – like a nail – I don’t care how it feels, I pound on it whenever I want.

This treatment communicates the child has inherent flaws and it brings a sense of powerlessness. It makes them feel like they don’t just have a problem that can be worked out through the proper steps but rather that it is hopeless, they’re flawed.

Developing personhood gives us the confidence to risk trying, to be able to problem solve. When we have lived with the dignity of having our boundaries protected, we learn to love well, to respect ourselves and to respect others.

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