Fathering Leadership

How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

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How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

Prayer Ministry is wonderful for removing blockages but it is only half the battle. I tell people, it’s a two-sided coin. We remove the blockage but then the new skill must be walked out.

Learning new skills is often very difficult for people. When I moved to the mission field I realized that learning Spanish was a bigger skill than I imagined. I initially thought learning the corresponding Spanish word was all I needed to do. I soon discovered there was so much more. I had to learn how concepts were communicated in Spanish versus English. I had to learn to hear the new words in conversation. I had to be willing to step out and try speaking it and likely look a little foolish. I knew missionaries that never learned to speak Spanish well because they just couldn’t take the risk of stepping out and saying something wrong and looking foolish.

Consider some of the skills we may need for life:

  • setting a boundary with peers or persistent children

  • dialogue – talking through an issue, not resorting to anger or withdrawal

  • public speaking

  • leading worship

  • facing a large work/school project

Often fear is a hindrance. This is usually easy to deal with in prayer ministry. There’s always a root to fear, usually in the area of an abandonment lie. However, once that is resolved, the skill still has to be attempted. This doesn’t guarantee success. Most people don’t learn to ride a bike on the first try.

If someone doesn’t feel good about trying more than once there may be a perfectionism issue. If you think, “What if I fail?” check your heart for perfection. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can try, learn, get more prayer ministry if need be, and try some more. Anyone who is persistent can overcome.

“By this all men will know you are My disciples, by the love that you have for people.” (John.13:25) So often spiritual things are put into amorphous terms, such as, “You’ve either had some experience in love or you haven’t”. “You either preached with anointing or you didn’t.” I don’t want to discount that. We do need experiences in God and His anointing. However, learning skills play a huge role also.

Skills like, “Have I dealt with my rejection issues so I can walk in love toward the immature behavior of others?” “Do I know the basics of good public speaking so God’s anointing has something to work with?”

We wouldn’t say to a keyboard player to “just be anointed.” Cyndi would tell you that practicing hours and hours a day in college led to not having to think now as she plays during worship because of the incredible muscle memory she has, therefore allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through her playing as He desires.

The world desperately needs mature Christians who have not only overcome their issues, but who have also developed good skills to bring God’s answers to a hurting world.

Dealing With The Anger Stronghold

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Have you ever prayed forgiveness repeatedly only to find you still harbored anger toward the person?

There is a prayer ministry tool for dealing with the anger stronghold that is very effective.

Freedom from hopelessness, from feeling stuck and powerless, and even from feeling unworthy is very available. Jesus provided all we need upon the cross.

When you feel clean and confident, that God is with you, you can accomplish wonderful things in life.

There is one main stronghold that can block this growth. Have you guessed it? Anger. Anger shuts healing down. Many people aren’t fully aware they even battle this.

Prayer Ministry

I have done 1000s of hours of prayer ministry with people for every kind of hurt imaginable, even deep abuses that brought patterns of feeling powerless and worthless. If a person can be open to consider their pain, there is always a way forward and freedom can be found. However, the one thing that closes the door for people and traps them in their pain is anger.

Angerthe anger stronghold

The most debilitating form of anger is anger toward God. This is the hardest form of anger to overcome. I have seen people get past this, but I’ve also seen a number of people not resolve it. They have a mindset that keeps them stuck.

This mindset locks in on the idea that they have gotten a raw deal in life. They believe they have suffered certain things that have had far reaching consequences and feel it just isn’t fair.

I totally understand this and acknowledge there are no easy answers.

I, myself, grew up in an alcoholic home and in domestic violence. This type of childhood hindered development of my social skills, educational growth, and even simply feeling safe in the world. The road has been long to work through this. There are no easy answers, but there is a key.

Faith in the Father’s Love

First of all, the Bible is clear that God is love. He never thinks a negative thought toward you. He loves you with an everlasting love. He is patient and kind. He has always loved you and has always had your best interest in mind. (1 Jn. 4:16; Jer. 31:3; Jer. 29:11)

Yet, looking at certain things people have suffered, that others have not, makes these truths about God seem false. Unfortunately, as long as you cling to these beliefs, there is no way forward. No one will be able to stand before the Lord and accuse Him.

So here’s the key – it boils down to a step of faith and a choice to let go of the anger. Consider saying this prayer: “God, I don’t understand how or why these painful events have happened to me. It seems like You didn’t protect me or even cared. Yet I know that’s not true even though I don’t understand how these two, seemingly opposing things, can coexist. God, I choose to lay aside my anger and trust You. I choose to believe You are loving and I lay aside my demand for You to explain things to me. I trust You to show me what I need to know when the time is right.”

When you can pray this prayer, it opens the door to healing and unlocks amazing forward movement. And as you take this step you will eventually come to see that God does work all things for good and does restore the years the cankerworm has eaten. (Rom. 8:28 ; Joel 2:25)

How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

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How to Resolve Daily Shame Interactions

I recently attended a meeting of professionals who were well-educated, had good jobs and good families. A person came in and inconsiderately interrupted the meeting. No one said anything to this person but the majority of those in the meeting gave fleeting glances of disgust or disapproval. This is an example of shame in action. Understanding shame interactions, how to recognize them and how to resolve daily shame interactions is an important tool to use in your Christian devotions to build Christian maturity.

Resolve Daily Shame InteractionsIn years past I had not realized how common shame is. I had heard statements like, “Guilt says you have done something bad, shame says that you are bad;” and “Shame only grows in the dark.” I had thought shame only occurs in someone who has really been exploited or victimized in some way. I certainly didn’t see how it applied in my life and definitely not in any regular kind of way.

The first key steps to overcoming shaming interactions are identification and recognition.

Why is this important?
When I judge another human being I am effectively saying that I am better than they are, that I would never fail in the type of way they did. This serves to put a wall up around my heart, a barrier between that person and myself. Judgement causes blockage.

One time I was on the subway in Seoul where I saw a Muslim man with his wife who was covered in a burqa. Previously I had judged that if foreign women have to wear the appropriate clothing in Muslim nations, then Muslim women should adjust in non-Muslim nations. As I saw this couple I thought to myself, “Dude, men are not after your wife. You don’t have to keep her covered like that.” Immediately I realized – that was a judgmental thought! It put a barrier up in my heart between he and I and blocked the flow of love and compassion and any hope of sharing the Gospel with this man.

Our FoundationResolve Daily Shame Interactions
1 John 4:18-21 says we can talk a good game, but if we have a wall up toward a brother — even a “pre-Christian” — we have one up toward God as well. When I block myself from love, it opens the door to many difficulties such as less desire or discipline to pray and more desire to escape into television or food.

The Christian life is designed so that it only functions well on the foundation of a heart open to love. Without this, I can go through the motions of prayer or Christian service, but there’s no life in it. Keeping my heart “on-line” to love is a crucial skill.

Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity

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Sonship Identity and Standing in Dignity as a Child of God

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. And with these expected misunderstanding there are basically two ways we respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability. Understanding these help you work out your sonship identity and start standing in dignity as a child of God.

Challenges Happen
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. Defeatedly he comes home wired, tense, and longing for the refuge of his comfy chair and TV. Just as Ron is about to sit down his wife immediately blasts him with, “Honey,the car won’t start,” and “By the way, your good-for-nothing son is failing math.” That does it. Ron instantly loses it; he raises his voice in a bitterly sarcastic way with his wife and becomes down right caustic with his son. Angrily he stomps to his son’s room and uninvitingly opens the door. “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more. Mom says your failing math.”


sonship identity and standing in dignity Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system like this example, individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There’s a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These types of individuals have lived with the excruciating pain of shame instead of profound dignity, so they spend their time protecting themselves from all this by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to finite judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that even the littlest mistakes such as forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, etc., can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees in the Bible were this same type of folk. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their harsh censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead, in their minds, someone must always be to blame. They think subconsciously, “I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you!” So when a son is failing math, the boy doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, he needs to suffer for his insolence!

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and as a person, worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in seemingly innocent statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” Or it could be as crushing as a backhand across the face.sonship identity and standing in dignity

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes; none of us are perfect. The natural provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. In other words, if I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make acceptable repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place. We begin to live as a true son or daughter of the King — our sonship identity.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play; we are all created in His image, thus worthy of value. This has a huge affect in our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. If we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord and understand our sonship identity, we need to check our hearts for any shaming we may be doing and be willing to take responsibility for our own faults and mistakes. When we know we are loved unconditionally, no matter what, we will stand in the dignity as a child of God.

Personhood — Basic Sonship Definition

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The Concept of Personhood Helps with a Basic Sonship Definition. It explains what sonship identity is all about and gives you a path to emotional maturity.

The sonship definition I commonly like to use is a picture of the church coming to an understanding that our spiritual maturity cannot surpass our emotional maturity. An emotionally mature Christian boldly walks in sonship.

So what does a picture of emotional maturity look like? Sonship Definition
Understanding personhood, our God identity, our sonship, gives us a path to follow. Let’s look into this a bit.

The Free Dictionary defines personhood as “the state or condition of being a person, especially having those qualities that confer distinct individuality.”

Personhood is simply my identity as a child of God, made in His image. It results in feeling totally comfortable in my own skin. It means living in a sense of legitimacy and dignity. When parents truly represent the love of their heavenly Father as nurturing, when they create a safe emotional environment, and when boundaries are respected, a person grows and develops a strong sense of their God identity. It is God’s undeniable love and Jesus’ work on the cross that make identity work.

Growing up in this type of environment causes sonship to develop in the child’s heart. Feeling loved and respected, and being allowed to be who they were created to be makes listening, submitting, and following a father figure easier.

The problem is that all of us — when trying to be “fathers” — have control issues at some level. It may be overt or passive: using anger and manipulative words, or using withdrawal and relationship cut-offs respectively. Control, by definition, is demeaning towards another and does not respect boundaries.

But when someone feels free to think what they think, feel what they feel, and to make their own choices and face the consequences therein, they grow and mature. This is how God relates to man. He is the perfect father. However, when mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are crossed, shame is communicated and personhood is diminished.

True sonship occurs when spiritual growth happens and emotional maturity is produced. As we learn how much we are loved, even with all our blunders and mistakes, we grow and mature — our personhood develops. We become unique, individual beloved sons and daughters of God.

Sonship Growth Template

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Sonship Growth Template

When your giftings, experiences, and calling are all converging together, and you start moving forward on your own path, you truly begin to fulfill what you were created for. Some people attain this deep satisfaction of walking in the calling and destiny that God created them for, yet many other people feel they never attain it or even know what it is.

I have two core teaching series that deal with this:  Experiencing the Father’s Love and From Shame to Sonship.Sonship Growth Template

The teachings in Experiencing the Father’s Love help you connect with God’s love as being safe. This is a first step in walking out our calling. Learning that we are loved, even with all our mistakes and faults, sets the stage for us to be able to develop our giftings.  (see verses for the Biblical principle of Father’s love below)

There are those who feel they have disappointed God or worse, that He is angry with them. Knowing experientially the safety of God’s love empowers building a loving relationship with Him and others; without this we turn to counterfeit affections. When we feel safe enough to hold our hearts open:

  • We can then receive instruction and correction. (Biblical principle of meekness)
  • Marriage and relationship issues can be dialogued and resolved without resorting to attacks. (Biblical principle of speaking the truth in love, meekness)
  • Wonderful growth can occur — our giftings begin getting defined.

In the From Shame to Sonship teachings I show you how to build on this foundation of love. I unpack the steps of building relationship, how to live in community and accountability, and how to grow through the trials of life. (Biblical principle of God working all things for good and calling)

A good picSonship Growth Templateture of how this works is exemplified in a person experiencing a loss —passing through the stages of grief: denial, anger, acceptance, and reconstruction. Now let me expound on this a little. The loss may be of a loved one, but it can also be a broken childhood, the loss of a dream, a job, or even a painful divorce. These losses truly get us in touch with ways we haven’t felt secure in God’s love. As we work through the stages of denial and anger, we move from healing into acceptance and reconstruction where even more growth can occur. This growth is like blossoms in the springtime, giving us a new way forward after a cold winter. The lessons learned through our losses lead to the destiny God has for us. The cool rain in your life fills a well inside you that can then water the world.

These steps are the template for true sonship growth. Anyone who has genuinely been successful in reaching their calling and destiny has followed them. Identifying, cooperating, and working through these 4 steps will lead us to a future of hope and fulfillment, and we will then walk on the path and in the destiny we were created for.

 

Biblical Principle scriptures:
Father’s Love  —  Jn.5:22, Jn.3:17, Matt.23:37, Jer.31:3, Zeph.3:17…
Meekness   —     Matt.5:5, Gal.6:1, Ps.32:8, 9; Lu.18:17, Heb.12:5-8
Speaking the truth in love  —   Ja.1:19, Eph.4:15
Calling  —    Ps.84:6; 2 Pet.1:10, 11; Jer.1:5; 2 Tim.4:7

What Are the Primary Benefits of the Father’s Love?

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The primary benefits of the Father’s Love are:The primary benefits of the Father’s Love

  • Experiencing a Place in His Heart.
  • Receiving the Building Blocks for all Christian Growth.

Struggles with sin, fear, and stuckness all are rooted in living without love. The Christian life was never meant to be lived without the benefits of the Father’s love.

Being At Home in Love

Being “at home” in love should be the first and primary experience of the Christian life. This is a feeling that you are part of a loving family with a loving Father whose heart is open to you. A place where you feel loved, special, accepted, and included. You are special to the Father to the point He rejoices over you with joy and singing because you bring such pleasure to His heart. You are the apple of His eye. (Zech. 2:8)

This living loved experience has practical expression.

SLED

There are 4 ways the Father’s love works out practically in your life. I like to use the acronym “SLED” to explain them.

S – Secured. Your heart is secured in love. You no longer live guarded or fearful of making a mistake. You become free from battling fears, condemnation, and feelings of failure. You learn at a heart level that God loves you unconditionally. You learn and live out experientially that your works, good or bad, cannot add or take away a single thing from the finished work of Christ on the cross. (Eph.2:8, 9)

L – Loved. You experience God’s loving affection for you. You feel the value of your identity as a loved child of God, created in His image. You become ever freer of seeking counterfeit affections as your heart grows into the true affection of the Father’s love.

E – Esteemed. You receive your need for esteem and affirmation from the Father’s love and not from how well you perform. Your motives for why you do what you do become purified and that produces a deep rest inside of you.

D – Destiny. You grow into your destiny, the things in life you were created to do. Your heart is in a growth environment and you develop naturally without having to strive for it.

Growing Your Capacity to Live Loved and Love Others

Are you ready to grow in your Father’s love? We have many resources to help.

  • My book, The Sonship Empowered Life, covers these topics in depth with many stories of how people worked through their stuck places and found love.
  • Teaching resources – we have teaching MP3’s and videos in our shop for easy download.
  • There are many free resources in the training area of our website.

Our heart is to see people living and growing in Father’s love in every area of their lives. If there’s anything we can do to help you in your journey, please feel free to contact us.

Does God Run Out of Patience?

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Does God Run Out of Patience?

This is an important question to consider. Having intimacy with God is difficult without answering this question in the depths of your heart.

I realize this post may be controversial to some people. But I ask you to please at least give it a chance and read it all the way through.

Two quotes that have a lot of meaning to me are: “Only love matures,” and “You cannot scare someone into Christian maturity.”

does God run out of patienceSo let’s consider this idea of where maturity comes from.

Judgment for Maturity?

I find that many in the Body of Christ present God’s judgment in ways that are inconsistent with His character. Without a proper understanding of this principle of judgment it is difficult to have intimacy with God and grow into Christian maturity.

I often hear preachers say things like, “God has come to the end of His patience.” The underlying idea is that Christians need a more sufficient fear of God and His consequences in order to live the Christian life as they should and even save America.

Here are some of the ways this idea has been expressed through the years:

  • 88 Reasons Why Jesus is Coming in ’88
  • Larry Burkett saying that by the year 2000 the US will have hyperinflation like Argentina experienced.
  • David Wilkerson saying NY would be in ruins with 1000 fires burning by 1993.
  • The “Y2K bug” shutting the whole world down.
  • The “blood” moons and shemitah signifying something drastic to happen.

Books were sold, money was made, fear was felt, and yet nothing occurred.

Please hear me clearly. I am not saying there will never be judgment. However, I think it is very important to consider God’s heart behind judgment and how to properly apply the principle of judgment.

God’s Out of Patience With Man’s Sin?

Let’s think carefully about this idea. I don’t think anyone would argue that God is all knowing (omniscient) and all powerful (omnipotent). So to say He has run of patience or simply can’t stand man’s sinfulness any more implies He didn’t see this climax of sinful behavior coming and that He feels incredibly frustrated that people won’t simply obey Him. Instead, let’s consider more deeply what God’s character is like.

God’s Purpose

I believe God’s purpose is always about relationship with man. He is love (1 Jn.4:8) and wants loving relationship with us. Sin hurts man. God loves man. So there are times when God does deal with the way sin is hurting people. But the bigger picture is that the reason He does so is always to draw man to Himself. Some people won’t respond to the draw of His love and they will experience the consequences of their choices. But that is never God’s heart. He would that all men would be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth. (1 Tim.2:4)

A Better Approach to Maturity

Rather than focusing on the fear of judgments to come, what if the Body of Christ sought to grow in the knowledge of how to bring people into more intimate relationship with God?

Think of it in the context of parenting. A loving, nurturing environment, with lots of loving parent-child interaction raises up healthy, mature children. Living with constant threats and harsh controls are more along the lines of abuse. Loving interaction does include discipline, but the discipline is for the child’s benefit, not to “tighten” him up so he will finally behave and be respectful. Think of inmates in prison. They’ve experienced many consequences and yet rarely do they mature.

Discipleship

I believe the Body of Christ still has many ways in which it can seek a relationship with God and unpack new ways to lovingly disciple believers into intimacy with God and into Christian maturity.

Addendum

Some may ask, “What about the Old Testament and all the judgments there?” Please refers to last week’s post for this. And for a picture of what loving discipleship would look like click here.

More articles on the Fathers Love

The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory

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Understanding The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory opens some important concepts to us.

Many of us have understood grace and the Father’s love, yet we struggle to walk in this daily. We so often get stuck in our fears, worries, frustrations, and irritations. But shining light on God’s heart can help us get moving again. Seeing The Father’s Love in Terms of Attachment Theory gives this light. Picture this:

“Daddy!” the little boy says as he runs, smiling, to hug his father returning from work. Both father and son feel joy and connection as they embrace. This “connecting” is attachment, which is simply the capacity for healthy The Father's Love in Terms of Attachment Theoryemotional relationships.

The initial parent-child relationship develops our ability for attachment. The infant’s brain receives signals from the nurture of a loving mother – her holding, rocking, soft words, and smiles – and neural connections are made. In this way attachment grows. Attachment is the foundation of emotional health and maturity.

The Gospel
Adam’s fall was about independence and separation from God, the opposite of attachment. “I’ll get the knowledge of good and evil and then I can decide things on my own.” It would not be too much of a stretch to say that independence is at the root of all sin. Think of the younger and older brothers in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The younger self medicated, symbolizing, in a nut shell, the sins of the flesh. The older brother tried to strive, perform, and be good enough. There are the Pharisaical-type sins. In either case, both are in independence rather than loving relationship with God. Jealousy, gossip, competition, striving, addiction, most everything traces back to attachment pain.

Let’s Extrapolate
We have much more scientific understanding today of how the brain works in the area of relationship and what emotional health looks like. There can be many good neural connections for attachment or very few. If we combine this with the Biblical truth that we know, what do we get? A new light on the idea that God came to have relationship with us.

Attachment is at the crux of Christianity. God so loved that he gave. Jesus came to give us the ultimate gift of attachment, and then we are to give it away to the world. The more I connect daily with God’s love for me and walk that out in showing kindness to others, the more healthy I become and the more I express the heart of the Gospel. But the more I get stuck in negativity, gossip, speaking ill of others, and fears, the more I build wrong structures in the brain and will struggle with being emotionally unhealthy.

A Fathers Love Christmas

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A Fathers Love Christmas is Seen in God’s Outreach to Man.

Especially the ideas of covering love and healthy vulnerability express a Fathers Love Christmas. These are key to living in love in a way that leads to healthy relationships with God, yourself, and others.

Genesis 3:8, 9 – Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the LFathers Love Christmasord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

In this passage, Father God is walking in the garden calling to Adam. Can you imagine His heartache that His children had bought into the lie that He was not for them and was holding out on them? Yet, in vulnerability to hold His heart open, He still calls.

God has always had the capacity to hold His heart open in love to man, even when man turned away. God does not resort to fight or flight tactics to control behavior through anger or the silent treatment. He extends His love again and again so “whosoever will” may respond.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

We see in the above verse that the cross was not God’s first focus. His first focus was how much He loved mankind – therefore He gave His Son. Father reached out with covering love (seeing past outward manifestations of sin to meet the deep inner heart cry) to man even when man was at his very worst.

Romans 5:8 – But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Think of Jesus in the manager, so vulnerable. Jesus didn’t hold onto His power as God but came and took on the form of a man to die in our place. (Philippians 2)

What’s the offer here? God sees the heart. Love is offered despite our sin. All we have to do is choose to respond to it.

John 14:18 – I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

The gospel too often is presented as loving Jesus protecting us from angry Father who is so ready to judge the world. Of course God will judge sin because sin hurts people and God loves people. But when justice is placed first, before love, we have an antagonistic “us against them” mindset toward the world.

When you see that the heart of the Father is always first and foremost love, you will live a life of compassion. You will be able to hold your heart open in vulnerability even when it may get hurt, and you will be able to walk in covering love toward others, seeing past their faults and into their deep heart’s needs.

God is still calling out in love today as He did in the garden long ago. Will you open to love this Christmas to a Fathers Love Christmas? This truly is the real Christmas story.

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