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Motivating With A Father’s Heart

May 6, 2016 by Robert Hartzell

Fathering Leaders Nurture Heartsmotivating with a father's heart

Motivating with a father’s heart involves nurturing. It’s in the nature of a father to nurture. Whether a leader is a parent, business owner, missionary, or pastor — they have the responsibility of nurturing the hearts of the people in their care in order to see them blossom forth. If you think of someone’s heart as a living organism, nourishment is needed. Nutrients, water, and sunlight are all vital lest it shrivel up. Also crucially needed for survival is protection from disease and harmful influences.

But understand there’s a learning curve for leaders who seek to nurture. When you’re motivating with a father’s heart you seek to develop and grow your people. But knowing how to show affection and encouragement in an authentic and genuine way is something that sometimes has to be learned. And there are times a leader must use correction and discipline to keep his people productive.

Herein lies the dilemma:

How do you minister correction and discipline without compromising a person’s sense of being loved and valued?

Motivation and Discipline

Let’s observe the father-child relationship for a moment for an example to follow. Children growing up need guidance from their parents to learn to love God, do well in school, respect authority, and contribute to community.

Along this same line, church members need guidance from their leaders to learn to serve and give out to their local congregation as well as to the Body of Christ as a whole. And employees need leadership who will pull out their gifts and talents as well as teach them skills. This is where a father’s heart will see potential in their people. They see the value the person has to offer, yet realize it may need some “pruning” to help it grow.

So how do you motivate and discipline without shutting down the heart of the other person?

3 Keys for Love-Based Discipline

  1. Love always has to be first. Friends first — ministry/business second. A person has to know they’re loved and accepted before they will receive correction from you. Josh McDowell says, “Rules without relationship breed rebellion.” When someone knows you really love them and care for them, it’s not difficult to motivate them. Relationship comes first, not rules.
  2. Remember discipline and correction should focus on the person’s behavior and not on their identity. Judgment is not a component of discipline. Negative words usually produce negative behavior. Positive words usually produce positive behavior.
  3. Maintain an environment of access and dialogue with them. When your people feel free to come to you and openly discuss their challenges, growth will occur. A fathering leader is looking to build productive people.

Fathering Leaders that walk in these skills of motivation and discipline are well advanced in their leadership development. They display a graciousness towards others on their journey of maturation. These leaders will change lives, raise children and spiritual sons and daughters that are emotionally healthy and successful both inside and outside of the church. And all of us as Christians — whether official leaders or not — can use these keys to express the heart of the Father to everyone we meet.

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Related Posts
  • Sermon Outline For Fathering Leaders
  • Motivating With A Father’s Heart
  • A Case for One-on-One Discipleship
  • How to Create An Atmosphere For Life-Changing Growth
  • The Primary Fathering Leadership Life Skill

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Filed Under: Fathering Leadership Tagged With: fathering leaders, Fathering Leaders Nurture Hearts

The Primary Fathering Leadership Life Skill

January 29, 2016 by Robert Hartzell

There is a Fathering Leadership life skill that brings success in every area of life.

  • In parenting it raises children into mature, responsible, confident adults.
  • In marriage it fosters respect and cooperation – the foundation of romance.
  • In church leadership and discipleship it brings healing and growth to the broken.
  • In business it produces productive and creative employees.
  • In friendship, too, it is key to the depth of relationship for fulfillment, accountability, and growth.
What is this Fathering Leadership life skill?

In a nutshell the skill is speaking the truth in love. At one level this is very easy to understand. Yet unpacking and applying its meaning, where you actually live and in the various relationships of your life, is not so easy.  

Two Parenting Scenarios – one where the skill is not applied and one where it is.

  • A 14-year boy comes home from school with a failing grade in math. The father reprimands him, “I told you to study more. What’s wrong with you? No more playing your stupid computer games for a month.”Fathering Leadership life skill

In this example the child is corrected with shame rather than dignity. His personal identity is attacked. Something is “wrong” with him. This approach will shut down learning and emotional growth.

  • A 14-year boy comes home from school with a failing grade in math. The father dialogues to reach the boy’s heart, “Why do you think you’re struggling in math so much?” He asks this in a tone of voice that is not demeaning but neither does it communicate the child is off the hook in terms of his responsibility to the class. The child explains that despite the teacher’s instruction and examples, he cannot seem to understand the material. The father then asks why the child didn’t bring this up sooner. The boy says he was embarrassed. Subsequently the father gives reassurance that there is nothing wrong with needing and asking for help. So they agree to get a tutor and proceed with closer monitoring of the boy’s progress (healthy accountability).

From this example we see the child’s identity is valued. He learns more deeply that even when he fails it does not mean he is shameful, deficient, or lacking value. He learns that there are steps that can be discerned and taken to move forward when you find yourself stuck in life. The lack of having this positive experience in childhood is why most Christian adults are stuck with habits and relationship problems they never get past. They never learned the skills and emotional strength necessary.

In Marriage

Fathering Leadership life skillThe same principle applies in marriage. There was a 20-year study done examining the commonality of traits seen in successful marriages. The number one skill found in these marriages was a spouse that can stand up for himself/herself without putting the other down (speaking the truth, but in love). This type of spouse will get consistent respect and cooperation in the marriage; and the foundation of respect is the only foundation where romance can consistently blossom.

Ministry

Picture a new Christian in his late 20’s. He is so excited to have discovered a spiritual life and to be in church. However, he grew up in a fatherless home with a mother who had numerous boyfriends, many of which treated him with degradation. As a result of this he battles many rejection and abandonment issues. Often he says inappropriate things, can be judgmental, and gives up too easily on things.

A Fathering Leader has the ability to disciple this new believer in a valuing way. The leader has matured past needing to put up a wall toward the immature behaviors of this young man. This leader can consistently express covering love, patience and care when the disciple gets his feelings hurt over little things, withdrawals when his unreasonable expectations aren’t met, or even acts out publicly. Over time the disciple experiences love drawing out his heart again and again, instead of emotional abandonment. This consistent and unconditional love brings a very healing and maturing effect upon this young Christian.

BusinessFathering Leadership life skill

The business leader who creates a culture of dialogue and space for creativity is a Fathering Leader. In his realm mistakes are not criticized. He creates an environment where people are not guarded and protectionistic, and where everyone helps each other. It’s a place where teamwork is encouraged, people are not put down or gossiped about, and there’s no backstabbing. Devaluing behaviors are not tolerated. This type of company will be on the cutting edge.

Friendship

Many people, especially leaders, have no one they would call a close friend. Yet, we are wired by God to need relationship. When a relationship is trusted and even accountable, the two parties feel a sense of fulfillment and grow as a result. There is a confidence and security in knowing the other is truly there for them and can be willing to embrace weaknesses and failure without being exposed.

A Great Example of this Fathering Leadership Life Skill

Mr. Miyagi from the movie, The Karate Kid, had this primary Fathering Leadership life skill.

Think of how he related to Daniel in the movie. Miyagi instructed (discipled) Daniel. There were times they had fun and times when Miyagi was firm. There were times Daniel acted in inappropriate ways but Miyagi was never demeaning to him. Even in correction. I would encourage you to watch this movie again to get a fresh picture in your mind and heart of what this skill looks like.

Now Extrapolate

You see the skill applied in terms of Mr. Miyagi teaching karate and mentoring a fatherless youth. What would this skill look like in your life? In your family, ministry, work, and friendships?

Father God

Understanding this skill even helps in how you relate to God. The more you grasp at a heart level that Father God uses this skill as He relates to you, the more you will grow — even in the midst of your failures.

Reaching the World

I believe a hurting world is waiting for Christians to mature and walk in this advanced skill of loving others well. The fatherless are looking for true Fathering Leaders to love, accept, and disciple them through their lives.

Filed Under: Fathering Leadership, Featured Tagged With: fathering leaders, Fathering Leadership life skill

4 Characteristics of a Fathering Leader

September 23, 2013 by Robert Hartzell

4 Characteristics of a Fathering Leader

Fathering Leadership Releases People to Healing and Activation in Their Gifting

How frustrating it is to see those we lead not overcoming their challenges and moving into their callings. They so desperately need someone who can guide and direct them.

The whole world is looking for a father.4 Characteristics of a Fathering Leader

The more your leadership style is fathering, the more you will reproduce overcomers.

Leaders who easily bear with the failings of the weak and express covering love, will see much fruit. These are the ones who know how to call people into true discipleship.

I believe that only fathering leaders will truly bring people to maturity and destiny.

This article will consider the challenges of fatherlessness and the 4 characteristics of fathering leaders.

Current statistics point to a church that is not receiving sufficient fathering:

Statistics

  • 50% of ministers starting out from Bible school will not last five years.

  • Only 1 out of every 10 ministers will retire as a minister.

  • The divorce rate in the church is the same as in the world.

  • 50% of Christian men aged 18-24 visit a porn site at least once a month.

  • 4 out of every 10 non-church going Americans (37%) said they avoid church because of negative experiences they’ve had there or with church people.

Results of Fatherlessness

When a person has never been mentored by a fathering leader, they have no path to follow towards maturity and towards their destiny.

When there’s been no father in your life:

  • How do you feel secure, that you are loved unconditionally? So you battle condemnation.

  • How do you develop life skills for walking in healthy relationships? So you battle let downs and rejection.

  • How do you discover what your natural talents are and how you can develop them?

Only fathers impart healthy emotional skills and life skills for daily living.

Many people attend seminars on leadership, church planting, personal productivity, etc., and often good skills and systems of implementation are given at these events.

Yet, if the attendee himself lacks the emotional health to put these skills into action, no fruit is produced. There will be no sustainable change.

Characteristics of Fathering Leaders

So how are fathers able to bring people to maturity?

  1. They walk in maturity and integrity.

Spiritual fathers/mothers are differentiated. They don’t get entangled in the immature behavior of others. Mature leaders are grounded in God’s love and don’t take things personally.

Because they have so deeply worked through their own heart issues with God, fathering leaders are very free and open to be led by the Holy Spirit in how they respond to others. They live in a place of rest and they display the fruits of the Spirit in their relationships.

  1. They have great people skills.Fathering leader

Spiritual fathers/mothers walk in covering love toward others. Because they are not easily triggered by the immature behavior of others, they are able to express God’s unconditional love. They communicate value and express a love that is available and covering toward the faults of others.

When a person is acting out or acting without wisdom, a fathering leader’s first thought is not to quickly put up a boundary, but to see the person’s heart. “What’s the love need there?” they ask themselves. “How can I draw that person into dialogue in a way they feel safe to open up about the struggles they are facing?” Boundaries come as a last resort, and even then, they are expressed in a loving and valuing way.

  1. They know how to mentor.

These leaders know how to give away to others what they’ve learned from their own experiences in an empowering way. They are able to tune into where others are at and what they are able to receive according to where that person may be in their learning process.

This awareness of the other person’s heart enables the fathering leader to be skillful in how he applies his mentoring.

  1. They create an atmosphere for growth.

Finally, fathering/mothering leaders create an atmosphere where growth can take place. They create an environment that feels safe and secure, not condemning and judgmental. People know they are loved and accepted around them and that it is okay to make a mistake or fail. This is an environment of dialogue, community, and loving accountability.

Healthy Families Raise Healthy Kids

Whether you lead a 3-year-old, a congregation or a group of employees, fathering leadership empowers people with the skills and the emotional support to grow.

Everyone is a leader at some level. Everyone influences someone.

There is a path for you to be a fruitful and reproducing leader.

Have you ever considered where you are on your learning curve in becoming a fathering leader?

In training section of our website, we provide numerous resources to help you grow in fathering leadership. Along with all the ebooks, worksheets and materials, this membership also includes free email support.

If you are interested in more intense training, we provide one-on-one phone based coaching to help you move forward.

For a more indepth study for coming into fathering leadership, our teaching series From Shame to Sonship and Discovery Prayer Ministry give you the steps to resolve any issues you may face along the way as you grow.

 

What is this article speaking to you? I would love to hear your feedback. Drop me a line at info@roberthartzell.com and let me know. Thanks.

Filed Under: Fathering Leadership Tagged With: fathering leaders

Receiving Fathers

April 20, 2013 by Robert Hartzell

Receiving Fathers is a deep hearts need we all have.

A Longing to be Fathered

In the opening scene of the movie August Rush, two boys about nine years old stare out the window of their orphanage longing for a family. Can you imagine their dreams? A dad to toss the ball with them and tuck them in at night. A mom who has warm cookies and milk waiting as they arrive home from school. God has put into all of us a longing to be fathered.

Heart Attitude and A Skill

We can look at this longing in two ways: as a heart attitude and as a skill. Are you learning to seek out spiritual fathers and mentors or do you battle a stronghold of independence? Do you relate to them properly or place unreasonable demands and expectations on them? If you struggle with these things, the first thing to check is your heart. Is your attitudReceiving Fatherse good? The next thing to consider is the skill of taking action to find fathers and relate rightly to them.

Steps

Where do you need growth? Do you need help in parenting skills or marriage skills? Do you need better focus in your career to really be the marketplace minister God has called you to be? Are you struggling to know God as your heart really longs to?

In a nutshell, looking to a mentor or spiritual father has to do with having a more experienced person speaking into your life. God did not make us to live alone – in independence. He designed us to operate in a “family” system. Working out problems by ourselves or even seeking new learning without help can become frustrating and usually breaks down somewhere in the process.

Only a father can pass on an inheritance. 1 John 4:20 reveals a powerful principle: first the natural, then the spiritual. We cannot say we walk in sonship with God if we don’t express it toward man. We either struggle with independence or we don’t.

God has an inheritance for all His children. He doesn’t want us to be spiritual orphans, longing for a father. It is so worth it to work through your independence issues as well as find a spiritual father who can help you come into your destiny.

If you struggle with any fathering issues, our CD series Discovery Prayer Ministry can be a valuable tool in this process. Contact us today if you need any help.

 

Filed Under: Sonship Tagged With: Father's Love, fathering leaders, Prayer Ministry, Sonship

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