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Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

May 9, 2017 by Robert Hartzell

Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

  • Receive Prayer Ministry
  • Get The Sonship Empowered Life to learn all about these concepts.

Filed Under: Sonship Tagged With: Boundaries, Christian Coaching, Control, personhood, Prayer Ministry, shame

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

May 18, 2012 by Robert Hartzell

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build IdentityThe big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identitywith that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

Filed Under: Sonship Tagged With: Boundaries, Control, Design, emotional intelligence, identity, personhood, shame

How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics

April 20, 2012 by Robert Hartzell

How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics. This is a primary way of expressing the Father’s Love to others.

Boundaries with my son

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. I had a way to express the Fathers love through boundaries. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control Tactics

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

How to Use Boundaries Instead of Control TacticsIf I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: acceptance, Control, fear, personhood, shame

Intimacy rightly divides greasy grace versus legalism

March 6, 2011 by Robert Hartzell

Intimacy rightly divides greasy grace versus legalism.

Some teach grace and the Fathers love in terms erasing all consequences for the believer. Others teach harsh consequences for our actions as motivation to do right. Rightly dividing this is important to experience real growth. The key is in facing my issues in intimacy with God.

Fasting
Around a year ago I was attempting a season of fasting and not doing very well with it. A friend pointed out to me how hard I was being on myself instead of accepting where I was at with it, focusing on what progress I was making and seeing what I could learn about myself from the experience.

Intimacy rightly divides greasy grace versus legalismShame and condemnation lead to control (being hard on myself). Romans 7:5 says it is law (control) that stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh. Control takes many forms, two prominent ones are 1) being critical and 2) being a perfectionist.

Control Issues
Understanding that legalism is the biblical word for control issues can open up our understanding. We too often have a narrow definition of legalism, considering it in its “hyper” form only. I had a simplistic view that law was bad and grace was good. What I didn’t fully get was that law was a response to my feelings of inadequacy.

However, simply “having grace” on myself was not a full answer either. I can choose not to beat myself up over a poor diet and lack of exercise; never the less, the consequences of heart disease, type II diabetes and many other things will likely occur. I can give myself a break for getting angry in traffic, however, it is still a behavioral pattern that impedes intimacy. I can say I’ve had a long day and decide it is okay to watch hours of TV, however, a prayer-less life that involves little learning of new things has consequences.

Intimacy
The Father’s love really is the answer. But not some amorphous belief He really, really, really loves me. If it hasn’tIntimacy rightly divides greasy grace versus legalism touched my shame and control issues, it hasn’t gone deep enough. I had viewed my fast as an “all or nothing” proposition (perfectionism). In this scenario, I was unable to walk in meekness. I was too focused on how I was failing, so there was no room for being in a learning relationship with life.

Intimacy occurs when I can embrace where I’m at and allow God to teach me what I need to learn in order to grow. I’m not beating myself up nor hiding from my pain in “grace.” I’m facing my issues a step at a time in Father God’s love.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: Control, Father's Love, personhood, Prayer Ministry

Only Love Brings Christian Maturity

November 4, 2010 by Robert Hartzell

Only Love Brings Christian Maturity is a primary concept for all growth. We can’t be forced or scared into maturity.

Only the Father’s Love can cause a heart to feel secure enough to blossom.

Empowerment for Maturity

Understanding how maturity occurs is a very powerful tool in our hands for freedom. So many Christians get stuck “working harder” and end up battling condemnation. 1 John 4:18 says that “perfect (mature) love casts out fear.” When love is mature in us, it frees us of fear. All fear is based in some form of not believing we are loved.

Shame – Fear – Control Stronghold

There is a concept called the shame-fear-control stronghold by Chester and Betsy Kylstra. When someone is controlling (whetOnly Love Brings Christian Maturityher through overt anger or passive withdrawal) and relationship is cutoff, it is driven by fear. Fear, in turn, is driven by shame. Shame is based in lies we believe about ourselves. These lies are worded as such:  “I’m flawed,” “I’m helpless,” “I’m bad,” “I’m dirty,” and so forth. Prayer Ministry is the tool that can change this.

Love Not Law

It is love that addresses both fear and shame. So in a very real sense, all sin and shortcoming is about a love deficit. There is a lacking, a shortage, or deficiency of love. Something in my heart is struggling to believe that God is good and loving and has the very best in mind for me. Therefore, trying harder, sacrificing, and living “white-knuckle” Christianity does not mature us anymore than shaking an empty piggy bank more violently will produce any coins. Romans 7 says that the law is what stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh, not what restrains it. Knowing we are loved at a deep heart level sets us free from fears and the need to control. It empowers us to rest and to respond to the “unrest” of others with maturity and compassion. Fear will be “cast out” and love will take its place.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: Control, empowerment, fear, Kylstras, love, maturity, Prayer Ministry, shame, shame fear control stronghold, strongholds

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