Fathering Leadership

How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

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How to Build Sonship Life Skills into Your Life

Prayer Ministry is wonderful for removing blockages but it is only half the battle. I tell people, it’s a two-sided coin. We remove the blockage but then the new skill must be walked out.

Learning new skills is often very difficult for people. When I moved to the mission field I realized that learning Spanish was a bigger skill than I imagined. I initially thought learning the corresponding Spanish word was all I needed to do. I soon discovered there was so much more. I had to learn how concepts were communicated in Spanish versus English. I had to learn to hear the new words in conversation. I had to be willing to step out and try speaking it and likely look a little foolish. I knew missionaries that never learned to speak Spanish well because they just couldn’t take the risk of stepping out and saying something wrong and looking foolish.

Consider some of the skills we may need for life:

  • setting a boundary with peers or persistent children

  • dialogue – talking through an issue, not resorting to anger or withdrawal

  • public speaking

  • leading worship

  • facing a large work/school project

Often fear is a hindrance. This is usually easy to deal with in prayer ministry. There’s always a root to fear, usually in the area of an abandonment lie. However, once that is resolved, the skill still has to be attempted. This doesn’t guarantee success. Most people don’t learn to ride a bike on the first try.

If someone doesn’t feel good about trying more than once there may be a perfectionism issue. If you think, “What if I fail?” check your heart for perfection. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can try, learn, get more prayer ministry if need be, and try some more. Anyone who is persistent can overcome.

“By this all men will know you are My disciples, by the love that you have for people.” (John.13:25) So often spiritual things are put into amorphous terms, such as, “You’ve either had some experience in love or you haven’t”. “You either preached with anointing or you didn’t.” I don’t want to discount that. We do need experiences in God and His anointing. However, learning skills play a huge role also.

Skills like, “Have I dealt with my rejection issues so I can walk in love toward the immature behavior of others?” “Do I know the basics of good public speaking so God’s anointing has something to work with?”

We wouldn’t say to a keyboard player to “just be anointed.” Cyndi would tell you that practicing hours and hours a day in college led to not having to think now as she plays during worship because of the incredible muscle memory she has, therefore allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through her playing as He desires.

The world desperately needs mature Christians who have not only overcome their issues, but who have also developed good skills to bring God’s answers to a hurting world.

Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

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Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Love

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Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Love

Understanding the various components of boundaries must be learned if it was not modeled for us growing up. This skill takes time to understand and learn to walk out, just as any skill does. I do not believe we can walk in the Father’s love without it.

Boundaries is a bigger subject than many people realize. In a basic sense it is not about changing another person, rather it is communicating my response to certain behaviors. For example, little Johnnie Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Lovedoesn’t do his homework so I don’t argue with him, berate him, nor demean him. I simply let him know that he will not use any electronics for a whole day – I set a boundary. However, and this is key, the choice remains with him.

Another important understanding of boundaries is that it defines all abuse. Any time another person communicates to me that it is not okay to think what I think, feel what I feel, and have my physical space respected, they are seeking to abuse me. If I inadvertently say the wrong thing and dad gives me “the look” that says “what is the matter with you?” that’s abuse. My thoughts and feelings were not respected. Even if a person’s thoughts and feelings are wrong they still have a right to them. They may face consequences for their actions, but communicating that their personhood is flawed should not be one of them.

When a husband is consistently late, a wife won’t do her part around the house, or a teen won’t do his chores, these also violate boundaries. A family functions lovingly when each member contributes. It is not fair for one party to “drop out.” This is inconsiderate of the feelings of the rest of the family that has to live with the consequences of the “dropout’s” unfinished tasks. Dropping out is actually a form of control. It’s a behavior that violates the boundaries of others. Ideally we hold each other accountable, don’t walk in judgment and talk out our differences, however, this sometimes breaks down. Allowing the dropout to face appropriate consequences for their irresponsibility and not picking up their part is the most loving thing to do in this instance. (Gal.6:3-5)

When I first communicate to my teen that he will have no electronics (privileges) when he doesn’t complete his homework (responsibilities), there will likely be some pushback. But giving in and not holding Boundaries Extinction Curve for Walking Out the Fathers Lovefirm the boundary actually communicates devalue. It communicates that he was not important enough to be held responsible. Pushback brings up the concept of the Extinction Curve. When a certain action no longer receives reinforcement, (for example, freedom from responsibility) a series of attempts is made to try and regain the reinforcement. Eventually these attempts tend to die out.

Understanding the extinction curve gives hope that people will ultimately choose responsibility when met with love that is absent of co-dependence (enabling behavior). Yet, the goal can’t be to change the person. The healthy approach is to view it as love that allows the person to face the consequences of their actions. In the adult world, when you are late consistently you get fired. When a teen has a healthy sense of consequence, he not only learns responsibility but empowerment. It is inward locus of control – my actions bring certain consequences, rather than outward locus – my life is controlled by the choices, actions, and attitudes of others.

Walking in the Father’s love covers others in their short comings, washing away their condemnation. It also values them enough to hold them accountable and call them up higher. I believe the number one characteristic of the end time church will be true spiritual fathers and mothers in abundance.

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

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Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identity

Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build IdentityThe big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come Sonship Life Skills to Overcome Powerlessness and Build Identitywith that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

The PreAbuse Setup

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Building your sonship life skills protect you from abuse.

A powerless feeling comes with finding yourself in one abusive relationship after another. This article will give you the tools mature sons and daughters of God develop to break that pattern.

By Dan Hitz
What makes one person more vulnerable to abusive situations than another?

When emotionally healthy people check out a spiritually abusive church, they don’t stay.  They recognize the dysfunction.  Healthy people put up boundaries which unhealthy people try to violate or outright reject. However, brokenness created in the “pre-abuse setup” produces a susceptibility to further abuse.

Building your sonship life skills protect you from abuseI have a friend who says, “Home is where the outside matches the inside.” It is the reason why a woman who has grown up with an abusive alcoholic father and doesn’t deal with her wounds can find herself married to her second abusive alcoholic husband. The way her husband treated her while dating felt familiar to her “normal” feelings growing up. She may even feel uncomfortable around healthy men – she sees herself way below his level. Those wounded by abuse often fall prey to “learned helplessness.” Those abused when they actually were powerless to stop it, continue to believe that they are helpless victims long after they actually have the resources to overcome.

Pre-abuse factors include past physical, sexual, and emotional abuse or neglect. The atmosphere is familiar, but surely a church must be a safe place. Those who grow up in a dysfunctional family without an appropriate mother or father figure may be used to – or addicted to – chaos. An abusive religious system offers structured chaos. The chaos is ordered around “scriptural” issues which seem to be worth fighting for. Those who are socially isolated are susceptible because they are looking for an accepting community.

His Chapel (not the real name of the church) was our family. We had many brothers and sisters who all believed as we did – who all suffered the same reproach for what we held dear. People outside the system were deemed “unsafe” so we stuck together.  However, we found out later that our relationships were only as strong as our adherence to the system. Abusive systems play off of the members’ guilt and shame. “No one else would accept me like these people if they knew what I struggled with.” I did find much forgiveness and Building your sonship life skills protect you from abuseconfidentiality inside the system, but I also knew that implications could be made if I left.

People with poor life skills lack the interpersonal boundaries and assertiveness necessary to stand strong against abuse. They also fear that they can’t stand on their own. Learned helplessness leaves them vulnerable to the dictates of the system. Along with poor life skills comes poor or no foundation for evaluation of appropriateness. The system offers them so much of what they are looking for, but they lack the ability to perform a mental cost/benefit analysis. “Does the perceived benefit of staying in the system outweigh the emotional toll of performing to system specifications?” is a question that many are unable to adequately answer.

Reconciliation Ministries

Boundaries for Dignity and Justice

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Boundaries for Dignity and Justice. Learning to walk in boundaries is foundational to growth.

Part of growing in sonship life skills is learning to walk this out even when it is difficult.

Think of that guy at work who is super friendly. He’s always quick to make you laugh, a great conversationalist, makes you feel liked and included. But, he’s often a little late to the office, there are times when he puts some of his workload off on others, and he sometimes doesn’t consider other people’s time boundaries.

What about the demanding boss who expects you to work extra hours without extra pay? He talks down to people and doesn’t use appropriate respect. Everything is always about his vision and the company and never about building people.

Now think of Boundaries for Dignity and JusticeGod being so kind to Israel in bringing them out of Egypt. God protected them, yet they turned to idols. God contracted with them to give them the Promised Land, yet they continually backed out of any responsibility on their end. Instead they used excuses that flowed out of a victim mindset.

Boundaries are not just a nice teaching that worked its way into the Body of Christ to help co-dependent women. Boundaries describe where everyone lives. The lack of boundaries is the lack of dignity and justice.

Dignity and justice are universal human problems, their absence always allows a boundary to be crossed, inducing shame. These dignity/shame dynamics are the central roadblock to growth and fulfillment.

For example, I ministered one time in Nigeria, sharing my story of painful experiences and how God met meBoundaries for Dignity and Justice and brought growth. Many of the pastors came up after the teaching and said, “We’ve never heard anyone share their weaknesses. We only share our strengths.” In their churches, they preached a standard of faith and victory that set the bar high. They themselves couldn’t live up to it, but they would never share that; if they did, people may no longer follow them. Here’s the point. This high standard by the leader made it “not okay” for anyone to live under that. So now, no one can be honest about their shortcomings and therefore no growth or maturing ever takes place.

Facing ways we’ve experienced injustice, attacks on our dignity, impossible standards that employers, churches, or society have communicated to us is the beginning of growth. So often, like the children of Israel, we don’t want to come into the light with our shame issues. However, when we do, they become the very stepping-stones to real growth. By doing this, true change is within reach.

Emotional Intelligence for Growth, Maturity, and Changing the World

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Emotional Intelligence for Growth

So Simple We Miss It
Remember TV shows like The Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Waltons, and Little House On The Prairie? In the typical story, one of the family members faces a challenge they think is too big to handle, or something happens where they get their feelings hurt. They wrestle with the problem, talk it out with the family, feel emotionally supported as they struggle with it, and find a way forward in a way that brings personal growth.

This seems simple enough; however, there are some very profound principles here.

Perfectionism and Abuse
“No son of mine will get grades like that.” “I can’t believe you acted that way.” “You better notEmotional Intelligence for Growth talk to your dad for a while; he’s not at all happy with you.”

There are definable characteristics of families that operate in a shame-base versus a respect-base manner of interaction. Perfectionism is one of them. With perfectionism there is no middle ground, something is either right or wrong, in or out. Perfectionism is a control behavior that uses shame. Anything can be under its scrutiny; eating, cleaning, school grades, personal grooming, having money and how it is used, even physical health are subject to the perfectionism standard.  The individual’s worth as a person is always in question.

The three well-known characteristics of a dysfunctional, or shame-based family are: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. In this environment, there is no learning about who we are, or  personal growth, because it is not okay to make a mistake. If I happen to say the wrong thing, I get rejected and shamed. Nobody talks about what happened, what was going on in my heart that prompted my statement, nor is there any emotional support to work through what was in me.

A Respect-Based Family
With a respect-based family, people are free to make mistakes. There is a safe environment. Blame and talking about others faults is not condoned. There are still consequences for wrong actions and bad behavior, but they are handled in a way that does not take away the person’s dignity. The person is thus free to discover what their feelings were and what went wrong. Growth therefore is possible.

Healthy Emotional Awareness and Its Fruit
People that grow up in respect-based families reach their adult years and have some sense of knowing who they are. It was safe to feel their feelings, so they have a sense of what their strengths and weaknesses are. They were allowed tEmotional Intelligence for Growtho make mistakes, face consequences, and therefore learn some autonomy, therefore, they don’t struggle with a victim mentality. They have a “life is possible” outlook, and there is confidence to step out and try new things. They are not threatened by others that are different or who have opposing view points, nor are they afraid to hold their own view point when it goes against the tide, yet without needing to move into devaluing others.

This also has huge implications for the church. We have had an incredible amount of preaching based in the perfectionism standard. Consequently, not much growth has occurred. Some people who have been Christians 20 or 30 years still have “childish” issues they have not overcome. Christians often have little sense of who they are and what their calling is, let alone the hope in fulfilling it. The world often views us as condescending and sanctimonious, it is no wonder they have little interest in what we offer.

I truly believe in the coming years we will see an emotionally mature church, a spotless bride at Christ’s return. One who emotionally supports, loves, and respects all people.

Sonship Identity Relationship Skills: Keys for Development

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Sonship Identity Relationship Skills Get Developed as You Understand Key Concepts

I came across an interesting quote concerning what happens to those who grow up in and live with abuse.
“Both the tyrant and the victim in the system have a very limited sense of themselves as persons, inadequate development of relationship skills, and no understanding of the nuances of intimacy.”

This sums up nicely what emotional and spiritual maturity looks like.

Limited Sense of Self
Do I have a sense of being secure, that basically I’m safe, that my rights will be respected, my boundaries of thought, feeling, choice, and physical space will be honored? Or, do I constantly fear rejection and have an “us versus them” mentality and walk in a constant low level suspicion?

In feeling safe, do I have a sense of my strengths and weaknesses? Am I free enough to be in a learning relationship with God and life? Or, is everything either right or wrong, good or bad, in or out and so everything has a box I quickly apply? The Pharisees lived like this, so insecure they sought to take all of the “unpredictable” out of life with their laws for everything. This makes it impossible to ever learn or grow.

Inadequate Relationship Skills
With no sense of my own self, no sense of ways I’m growing and needing to grow and making proactive choices toward growth, it becomes hard to relate well with others. If I see everything as either “in or out,” then I’m going to treat you that way also. If it feels like there is something inadequate or shameful in me if I don’t know something or haven’t learned something, I will apply that same perfectionism to you. I will have little ability to live and let live, to flow with the currents of life.

Nuances of Intimacy
All the latest studies, especially in the area of brain development, point toward intimacy in relationships as being the foundation to emotional and spiritual health. When I can live connected to God and man there is a sense of grounding. I can risk loving and living and trying new things. I can flow with the give and take of relationship without being overly insecure. My sense of being loved and valued grows as well as my ability to be life-giving and self-sacrificing to my community around me.

Father God shows Himself as loving and safe and highly valuing of freedom. Jesus said the father gave the inheritance to the prodigal son knowing he was making wrong choices. He didn’t force his will upon his son. Father sent Jesus for us while we were yet in sin, yet making wrong choices. God didn’t fear rejection and didn’t seek to control our freedom. He so loved that He gave. If we are insistent on going to hell, God will let us. However, love awaits us if we simply choose to receive Him. He will never leave us; we are safe in His love. He gives us dignity, a place in His family. God gives us the love and security we need to grow into healthy intimacy.

The Nature of Obedience

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The Nature of Obedience

The Nature of Obedience from an open heart not from fear.

Absolute Thinking
“We need to humble ourselves and pray and turn from our wicked ways.” “God’s judgment is coming on America for all her wickedness.” These statements have some truth in them, and yet this line of thinking can miss a vital point. Consider this in terms of abuse.

Basic Trust
All abuse involves the crossing of boundaries. When I make a wrong statement and my dad backhands me, shame has just been communicated to me. Growing up, I was not free to think whatever I wanted. My opinions had no value unless they lined up with dad’s, and my physical space was not honored as I was slapped. This led me to the conclusion that something must be “wrong” with me– shame came.  Just as crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries communicates shame, the respecting of these boundaries communicates worth and dignity. When a person grows up with safety and value for their personhood, trust develops. Trust is the springboard of obedience. When I trust someone, I can open my heart to them and give myself to them.

Disobedience
All disobedience flows out of a misunderstanding and mistrust of God’s nature. God firstThe Nature of Obedience of all values free choice, personhood. All intimacy flows from here. This does not mean in any way that there are not consequences for our actions–there are. But it does mean that God does not demean or shame us for our wrong thoughts, feelings, or choices. God is safe.

Freedom by Sonship Identity From Abuse to Honor

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Freedom by Sonship Identity

Our Sonship identity, our personhood, is developed in 4 phases.

Last week’s article on “Personhood” defined abuse as crossing spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical boundaries. It is violating someone’s right to think what they think, feel what they feel, and choose what they choose. The act of crossing someone’s boundaries is inherently shaming in nature. Respecting another’s boundaries is honoring and valuing in nature. Everyone has experienced shame at some level. So when we have lived in abuse, what does it look like to move into freedom?

Two Abuse Phases

Think of 4 phases of interaction. The 1st 2 phases represent shaming interaction. There is the “hot” or “active” side of abuse, including physical violations, emotional abuse, anger, and violence. Next is the “cool” or “quiet” side of abuse including threats to abandon, the silent treatment, relationship cutoffs, sarcasm and devaluing looks. Most abuse happens here with the occasional flare-ups into the hot side. Both active and quiet abuse can also include presumptions about someone’s thoughts or feelings, boundary invasions, and demeaning communication. Shaming interaction is failure to acknowledge another person.

Two Healthy Relationship Phases

Respectful interaction, the last two phases, is the opposite of shame; it involves engagement with one another as separate persons. It includes: expressing one’s thoughts and feelings, listening to each other, and acknowledging the interchange.

The 3rd phase represents behavior which is decent, orderly, careful and conscious of form. People are nice to each other here, they listen respectfully, they do not intrude upon one another. Yet many families coming out of abuse get stuck here.

Real freedom happens as people move into the final phase of “hot” intimate interaction. Here there is room for unpredictability and spontaneity in the interaction. For people coming out of abuse, a sense of losing control can be quite scary. In the past, this meant someone was about to get hurt. They do not really have a model yet of respectful, spontaneous contact. They have to learn how to play, and have conflict, and engage with each other in respectful spontaneity.

Here the family is intimate and nurturing, playful. People interact with one another often and freely with an underlying knowing that everyone is respected. They have a flow which is less self-conscious or contrived. No one expects perfection. Mistakes are made, people get hurt and angry, yet everyone is accountable for their behavior. There is always a way back. Repair is expected and available and is brought into the dialogue of relationships. Many old television shows were based on this like The Brady Bunch, 7th Heaven, and Little House on the Prairie.

In Bible school, another student once told me, “I don’t see anywhere in the Gospels where Jesus ever laughed.” I believe God has so much more for us than a careful, controlled life.

Fossum, Merle, Mason, Marilyn (1986). Facing Shame. Canada: Penguin Books

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