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Understanding that Shame is the Root of Control Issues Leads to Freedom

May 9, 2017 by Robert Hartzell

Shame is the Root of Control Issues

All of us can move into controlling behaviors when we feel fearful.

This damages our relationships and even stresses our physical and spiritual health. Understanding the shame–control connection leads to freedom from hurt and stress. Let’s consider how it is that shame is the root of many hurtful behaviors.

Shame is the Root of Hurtful Behaviors

The way that families interact will be either honoring or shaming.

Most families are a mix having ways that they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any aShame is the Root of Control Issuesbuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments.

A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful remarks?

Now let’s see that even though shame is the root problem, Sonship Identity is answer.

Sonship Identity

Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction comes from a Sonship Identity. builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough. Even for overcoming compulsive behaviors, shame is the key.

Shame is the Key Force Behind Compulsive Behavior

All compulsive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is drivenShame is the Root of Control Issues and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some compulsive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All compulsive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope, Steps to Take
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in your hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves you condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies you have believed and dismantling your interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Other steps you can take:

  • Receive Prayer Ministry
  • Get The Sonship Empowered Life to learn all about these concepts.

Filed Under: Sonship Tagged With: Boundaries, Christian Coaching, Control, personhood, Prayer Ministry, shame

Books

hmmdbookWant to go deeper in your experience of the Father’s Love? Get The Sonship Empowered Life, A Road Map to Growth and Maturity.

fatheringleadership5.5x8.5Want to grow deeper in your leadership creating a culture of growth for others? Get Fathering Leadership, Creating A Culture of Growth.

About Robert Hartzell

Robert Hartzell is the director of Robert Hartzell Inc. An organization dedicated to equipping people with tools for emotional health and Christian maturity. He also leads Fountains of Life, a missions ministry for equipping leaders in the nations.
Robert is the Author of The Sonship Empowered Life and Fathering Leadership. He is also a speaker on Fathering Leadership, The Father's Love, and Sonship.
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Comments

  1. Yvonne Phillips says

    February 28, 2011 at 10:26 am

    You nailed it again, Robert!

    I grew up in a shame based family who did not know they had any shame…..I could never look anyone directly in the eyes and always wondered why. After much inner healing, breaking off of generational sins and curses, etc., one day I realized that I was able to look people in the eyes. I asked Father what had happened to change that, and He said that the root of shame had been removed both generational and personally. Shame comes from so many different sources and becomes our norm so that most of us don’t even know we operate from that place. Father God did not create us for shame, but for freedom! Yea!

  2. Bill Shields says

    February 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Nice work Robert! That is good stuff. Even a dense guy like me gets it sometimes! lol Keep the great work.

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hmmdbookWant to go deeper in your experience of the Father’s Love? Get The Sonship Empowered Life, A Road Map to Growth and Maturity.

fatheringleadership5.5x8.5Want to grow deeper in your leadership creating a culture of growth for others? Get Fathering Leadership, Creating A Culture of Growth.

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