Fathers Loves Priority can be a hard lesson for many of us to learn.

You often have to come to terms with the truth that we all struggle with legalism at times. It is not a one time choice to be free of this. We walk in relationship with Father God allowing His love to come in more and more.

“Can’t you see I’m working, why do you always have to interrupt me?” “Sorry Dad”, he said as he slumped his shoulders and walked away. Unfortunately, there was a time that these words often came out of my mouth to my seven-year old son.

“The Pharisees were committed to following God in a way that many of us are not prepared to do. One factor, however, was always central to their righteousness: externalism. Their righteousness consisted in control over externals, often including the manipulation of others”, (Richard Foster in the Celebration of Discipline).

We can see this in many of the characteristics of Rev. Faircloth from last weeks’ Stepping Stones (see “Wisdom Hunter” blog entry). The intensity he carried, for example. He was God’s man, he bore the load of leadership and so everyone around him was supposed to jump when he said jump. If his wife was not paying attention to him at the dinner table or she forgot to pick up the cleaners for the church meeting, he saw it as a lack of support, lack of dedication to what was important and right.

This is like the Pharisees of the Bible. They said, “How could Jesus eat with sinners? He is unclean, condoning their sin” Luke 15:1, 2. You were either with them or against them. There was no tolerance for anyone who did not think like they did or act like they did.

Rev. Fairchild had no tolerance for his daughter to wear shorts, listen to rock music or participate in mixed swimming. He had no tolerance for other “weak” Christians that did not share these views with him.

The actual rules of legalistic people can be anything, but it is the attitude behind them that inflicts control and wounding. In my case the rule was taking ministry seriously enough. If my wife or son did not share my burden or intensity, they did not measure up in my eyes; they were not supportive and certainly not aligned with what was truly important “to God”.

In the Wisdom Hunter, his wife had been reduced to a servant; real relationship had all but disappeared. Everything revolved around him and his view of what was “right”. He had become a dictator; it was not possible for him to be wrong or have weakness.

God paid a huge price for man to have free will. He rightfully could have destroyed us all for our rebellion against Him, our Maker and Provider. Instead, He so loved that He gave His only Son. He did not send His Son to condemn but to save. (John.3:16-17)

God is not the “cop in the sky” using anger and touchiness, demanding conformity in order to scare or intimidate people into following Him. He is not insecure! He does not worry what others will say if His children are not obeying Him! He just continues to draw us by cords of love, giving us repentance by His goodness if we will accept it. Unfortunately, some will not accept it and be condemned but it does not change the fact that God is love and desires that all would be saved.

I felt such pressure to minister successfully that I became controlling. I used anger, withdrawal of fellowship and touchiness, all to manipulate others into helping me reach my goal. I did not realize that my identity was in “being right” and having success in ministry rather than in the blood of Jesus alone. I had to come into a season of confession and repentance of my sin and seeking forgiveness from my family. God did a renewing work in us through that season. Most of all I learned to place love first.

John 13:35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

Wisdom Hunter Legalism and Finding Love

This book gives a great picture of how any of us can fall into the legalism trap and miss the very Fathers love were are called to.

Luke 15 speaks of the older brother. He was always in his father’s house and never failed to keep one of his commandments and yet never knew him.

Notice how this plays out in modern life in the following story:

“Our pastor, Jason L. Faircloth, offers you strong leadership and dynamic charisma. A seminary graduate with a master’s degree in theology, he has effectively guided our church’s growth from 48 members to 2232 in just under eleven years.” The announcement read.

Lorene sat down across from her husband, making no further attempt to lighten the mood. Looking into his face, she saw his tightly creased brow, his hardened jaw as he spoke, and his dull, narrowed eyes. More and more she had become afraid of him. His tension, she realized, had become a permanent part of their life. She lowered her head and stared into her empty plate. Jason was becoming less of a human and more of a machine. And he was destroying her.

For the hundredth time, it seemed, she was acutely reminded of what their marriage had become. She was only a house servant now. Yet she had kept on being the model pastor’s wife that everyone expected of her. Always submitting unequivocally to her husband’s authority. Always selfless. Always lay-down-and-die. That’s exactly what I’m doing: dying. She felt numb. Deprived of his intimacy and sensitivity, she knew she was near the breaking point. Would he drive away his own wife, she wondered, just as he has our daughter?

“Didn’t you hear me?’ Jason asked in a raised voice. “I’m sorry,” Lorene said quickly. “What did you say?” I asked if you picked up my suit from the cleaners this afternoon. I’ll need to wear it tonight.” She tried to sound cheerful. “It’s hanging in your closet.” “All right”, he said coldly. “Let’s pray.”

Later, at the death of their runaway daughter, Lorene:

“Jason, can’t you see it? You were a heartless, legalistic, know-it-all dictator! You forced her to leave-you and your damnable know-it-all attitude. You still don’t understand, do you? You really are blind! I don’t believe the thought’s ever crossed your mind that you could be wrong about anything, has it? You think you know it all. And anybody and everybody who disagrees with you or challenges you is wrong! Talking to you is like talking to a rock, Jason. You don’t listen to people. You disregard people’s feelings as if they were trash!”

Later

He walked through the house looking for memories of times with his daughter. But the reality was that there weren’t many, it was always, “Later, honey”; he was always too busy and later never came and now it never would. He wanted someone to talk to but there was no one. He needed someone, someone he could share his real feelings with, who would just listen, who could understand and accept his newly discovered weaknesses and not be disillusioned by them. But there was no one. For years he had distanced himself from everyone.

(Excerpt from the book Wisdom Hunter p.19-21).

This story may seem hard to imagine coming from a pastor of a large church. People in ministry are under so much pressure to meet people’s needs, to lead a group of people that are volunteers and not employees so you cannot demand anything, to be an example themselves and with their families. Most pastor’s and missionaries children grow up wounded by it all.

The needs of people are real, the financial obligations are real and the spiritual warfare is real. If you have fear and insecurity, and who doesn’t, it becomes easy to move into control and legalism.

There was a pattern of this in my life as a missionary and pastor in the Dominican Republic. I had to come into a time of repentance and seeking forgiveness and God brought a new intimacy into my family. Even for men not in ministry it is easy to become intense and “type A” as we feel the pressures of life. Abba Father calls us into loving trust!